Sunday, June 17, 2012
Something is Missing.
I feel like I am constantly grasping for something. Continually reaching, and reaching, opening my hands as wide as I can, and as soon as what I am reaching for is within my grasp and I can feel it grazing the tips of my fingers, it slips right through like thin air. I have an undying need to continually make changes in my life, I can't find a constant. Thinking back though, I have never really had a constant. I didn't live in the same house growing up, I didn't live with the same people, I didn't even live in the same town, and when we lived within the same town for any number of years, we never lived in the same house for very long. My adult life has been very much that way as well. I left for the Army at 18 years old, moved from basic training to my first duty station, at my first duty station I moved from the barracks to our first home shortly after marrying my husband. Soon after he was deployed, I got bored, and moved off post to an apartment. That same year I got out of the Army and moved to Florida to spend some time with my husband's family, that was short lived and I moved back. Of course, I had given up the apartment I had, so I moved back on post. Shortly after that my husband came home, we started having all sorts of issues before his diagnosis of PTSD, and then we found out I was pregnant. When I was 5 months pregnant we were moved to a different home on post so we could accommodate another child. After she was born, we bought our 1st home off post, that was the place we spent the longest, and it was just under two years. After that we moved to Florida, we started in a rental, and then less than a year later moved to the home that we were given by Military Warrior Support Foundation, still in Florida, but another move nonetheless. It's overwhelming just to think about, and add all the problems with Nate's health, and babies, into the mix, and its downright exhausting, but I have always been okay with that, okay with constant change. The part that bothers me is now that I know that this is our forever home, its ours, and only we can ever change that, I still have this undying urge to be continually on the move. Obviously it roots from my childhood, and being all over the place, and it continued into my adult life with the Military, but what if it never stops, what if I am incapable of planting roots strong enough to bear the challenges life throws at them. I know to lay roots that stick they have to be deep, but they have to start somewhere too. Can I lay roots deep enough? What tools do I need? Do I have them? Where can I get them? Something is missing.