I miss this girl.
AND THIS GUY.
I miss who we were when we were together, and who we were even when we had to be apart. We were really and TRULY HAPPY, we had our own purposes yet were still able to come together somehow, and now, well now I don't know who we are. I have goals and things I aspire to do, and want to do, but I have chosen to revolve my life around him and his healing and his appointments, and making sure his needs are met, and he is protected, I lost myself in all that. When I finally started to find ME again the things that make me happy, my purpose; he hit rock bottom. Now I don't know where to turn, I feel betrayed because I felt like its sort of like when you teach your child something and you see the progress in their lives and you can take that sigh of relief because you know that they are not scared to do what it is you taught them, but suddenly they regress and your fault or not you blame yourself. The only difference here, this is a 30 year old man, someone I need to help me get through my stuff too, it cant ALWAYS be about him, it just can't. I married for better or worse, and in sickness and in health and all that, I get it, I do. Where do we draw the line though, I feel like a roommate, like a live in caregiver, oh wait, that IS what I am. I manage everything, bills, stuff with the kids, if we want to take a trip thats on me to figure out. If there is an issue with his care, or the kids care, or insurance, or anything, its on me. If I think that he MIGHT want to go fishing with his friends, or ride the motorcycle that we are paying for that SITS in the garage, I have to force him to go through with it. I HAVE to put my own health on hold all the time because we either don't have the money for the co-pays, or we don't have the money for daycare for my kids, or he has an appointment that obviously even if it is a minor appointment takes priority. I'm convinced if I didn't live here, he wouldn't talk to me. How do you teach a grown man to function in society again, or can you, and is that my responsibility? I don't WANT that responsibility anymore. I want MY husband back. There is nothing I can do right now, I can't go anywhere, I don't have a job, aside from the caregiver program, which yeah you guessed it is based on him and the amount of care HE needs, so if I am not with him that stops. I have applied for a ton of jobs EVERYWHERE, so lets be clear I AM trying. He stopped going to school after his breakdown so that messed up our daycare grant for the kids to go for an affordable price, as well as caused a 1000 dollar income cut so that messed up my ability to continue school. Not only that he has a minimum of 6 appointments per week that I would have to work around. I live in this house that we were given because of HIM, any extra stuff we get to do is based on HIM and the fact that HE was injured. Anything I have done has been over shadowed and everyone I talk to feels sorry for him because HE is going through this. I'm at a loss, I give up, there is nothing else I can do to fix this, and if that makes me a bad person, i'm willing to wear that title. Nothing sums it up better than what my good friend wrote on
Post War Monologues .
"It makes you the one with all the problems; it makes you the angry, scary, soulless bitch you didn’t think you were and never wanted to become. But, no he’s the one with the problems, he’s the one who went through war, who’s seen death, who lost his friends. He needs help, he needs support, he needs love, he needs me. Me? Well, what about the war in my goddamn living room, the holes in my walls, what about my invisible wounds, and my loss? My loss of a husband, the man I wanted for life and the woman I thought I’d be by now. And death? Well, I’ve almost seen that a few times by now too. Not by choice, not by desire. It lingers over us in a cloud called depression. It’s like he was supposed to die with them over there and depression just doesn’t quit chasing you once your time is up. It craves your blood."
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12 comments:
I can always relate to what you are saying...but today, I feel you in the pit of my soul. I used to feel selfish about it...but I can't anymore...what the hell about ME???
Oh my Gosh, besides a few minor changes, I could have wrote this blog about myself. I feel ya.....know you aren't alone.
I know that you know we are not in the most similar situation possible, but the feelings are the same. This blog post hit me in a way I didn't think it would. But through all of this, this is the secret way I've been feeling. That I'm selfish for wanting my husband back, that I'm a bitch for putting my foot down and that I'm a failure for not being able to make the situation right/better.
I don't know what to day other than to say, I feel this way too. Everyday. You are not alone.
Hugs, Kristle. I know I'm not qualified to say much, but I think of you lots!
Kristle,
I am so very sorry to hear of your frustrations. But for all of us who haven't lived through it firsthand, you make it real, you make the connection. And from what you've told me, while writing your guest post for Healthy Homefront, that is part of your mission. So, whether you realize it or not, you are working toward that mission through your words and your blog. Thank you for being honest.
--Shari
Kristle,
I am so very sorry to hear of your frustrations. For those of us who have not lived through it firsthand, you make it real, you make the connection. I remember when you wrote your guest post for Healthy Homefront, and you told me part of your mission was to document the toll life after war takes on military families, using photography. Whether you realize it or not, you're doing that already--not with images, but with words, through your blog. I'm not sure if that brings any sort of comfort, but I wanted to let you know that.
--Shari
You are burnt out- plain and simple. I have been there too. It sucks. You do have to find SOMETHING for you. You can't keep going like this. I love you.
Kristle,
You are still brave and still serving your country. I don't have any way to grasp the severity of your situation, but I am SO THANKFUL for your honesty, your sacrifices, and your family's service beyond anything most of us could possibly imagine giving. Do not stop speaking out. We need to hear your voice! I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Kristle,
I felt my eyes tear up as I read this. I can't tell you how many times I have felt these same things. Today I spent my whole day at the VA. I drove at least 150 miles. I am literally drained- mentally and physically. My counselor asks me how my book is coming along and I think- hell, when am I supposed to have the energy to do that??
Hugs to you, you need to take time and do something for you. If you leave the house and get away for a few hours, it will help you re-energize. It won't magically fix anything, but it will help you find you.
Miss you!
Tara
Nowadays,finding a high quality post is really difficult. I wud like also to thank my friend for giving me the URL of your blog.Hope u appreciate my short comment..and u r a brave girl,i know u'll easily handle the situation..:)
I want to give testimony of how aluat brought back my divorce husband back to me,were married for 9 years then we break up, due to the fact that he never love me again.
i have many felling for this my ex because we have gotten 2 kids together and i will want us to come back again. but all way i tried for us to come back all went in vain. i was confused and sad because i needed him back into my life, so i decided to contact Dr aluta, i never believe in spell casting i just decide to make an effort and see if something can come out of it. i contacted them and they told me that they needed to cast return back of love to him, they did the spell and after 2 week my ex called that he still love me and wanted us to be together again,what surprise me most was that he was married to another woman, and after the spell casting he divorce the woman for me that same week. it was the s[ell i cast on him that brought him back again. we later got married again and now the kids are happy that their father is back to their mother again, i really thank this Dr Aluta for bringing back my ex husband to me. i want you my fellow women who want back their divorce husband to contact Dr Aluta for his return, do not lose hope you can make this great step as i did then your ex husband will come back to you. and also your ex wife too okay,
his email address id is traditionalspellcaster@yahoo.com, i want you to contact him and he will solve your problem for you and also he can do any kind of spell you want to cast.
i am hear to give testimony of how i got back my husband, we got married for more than 9 years and have gotten two kids. thing were going well with us and we are always happy. until one day my husband started to behave in a way i could not understand, i was very confused by the way he treat me and the kids. later that month he did not come home again and he called me that he want a divorce, i asked him what have i done wrong to deserve this from him, allhe was saying is that he want a divorce that he hate me and do not want to see me again in his life, i was mad and also frustrated do not know what to do,i was sick for more than 2 weeks because of the divorce. i love him so much he was everything to me without him my life is incomplete. i told my sister and she told me to contact a spell caster, i never believein all this spell casting of a thing. i just want to try if something will come out of it. icontacted traditionalspellhospital for the return of my husband to me, they told me that my husband have been taken by another woman, that she cast a spell on him that is why he hate me and also want us to divorce. then they told me that they have to cast a spell onhim that will make him return to me and the kids, they casted the spell and after 1 week my husband called me and he told me that i should forgive him, he sterted to apologize on phone and said that he still live me that he did not know what happen to him that he left me. it was the spell that he traditionalspellhospital casted on him that make him comeback to me today,me and my family are now happy again today. thank you traditionalspellhospital for what you have done for me i would have been nothing today if not for your great spell. i want you my friends who are passing through all this kind of love problem of getting back thier husband, wife , or ex boyfriend and girlfriend to contact traditionalspellhospital@gmail.com. and you will see that your problem will be solved without any delay.
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