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Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It could be anyone...not for the faint of heart.
In light of recent events, I found it absolutely necessary to talk about something that has been plaguing my mind lately: suicide. I just can't get it off my head or my heart. 2006 was my first experience with Military related suicide, I never though much of it before that. I can remember the day so clearly. It was still dark out when I got to work, it was one of my first days working as a Military Police officer.I can feel the chill in air that was surrounding me as I drew my weapon and walked up to the PMO. I had not even got all the way to the building when our shift lead came out and handed me the dispatch to my car, and the bldg number I was to report to. I was authorized to run code so I knew it was serious. I'm still not sure exactly why he chose me to go out of all the others on shift that day, but I don't think I was the same after that. Once I approached the front door of the building I could smell the body, it had been there for a couple of of days. It was like nothing I ever smelled before, just thinking about it brings it back in full magnitude, it is a smell you will never forget, it will never leave your nose or your brain. I can still fully see how this young Soldiers barracks room looked, everything was where it should be, his clothes hung in clean military manner, bed made,everything was in its place. There were books, cigarettes, and keys on his desk, the only thing that didn't belong was the "note" that sat under them. He was 24 years old, just a few years older than me at the time, I could not even imagine anything so bad that would make me want to take my own life, I was so naive. I had no idea what the effects of war were, on anyone. I can picture his face in my mind almost too clearly, his cowboy-esque clothing, and the red bandana he had tied around his neck to cover up the RCA cables that ultimately took his life, I would have pictured him in cowboy boots, but he was barefoot reveling his feet that had pulled with blood and caused his toe nails to bubble up. They wouldn't have fit in his shoes that way, sometimes I wonder if he thought about that. He almost looked comfortable,like there was no struggle, he just sat there in his shower. It was like, almost like he was at peace. I can't remember much else about that day but since then suicide has been somewhat of a constant, there were other suicide calls, I wasn't on them, but they affected my battle buddies just as they did me. Just a year or so later a friend from basic training was found dead in her barracks room. RIP Ehren. The problem has only continued to get worse. Most recently I was reminded of exactly how serious this problem was when one of the Military's most vocal suicide prevention advocates tragically took his own life. The suicide itself was tragic, but even more so was the fact that he was doing everything "right." I think for me, this was a realization that the problem is rooted much deeper than any of us think. These wounds don't just go away, they are unpredictable, and obviously more determined than the most determined fighter. What can we do, I don't know, but if I have to spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out I will, I cant bear the thought of one more.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Beer, Pickles, and Sunflower Seeds..what more could a girl ask for?
Ah, summer time, or spring or something i'm not entirely sure what season it is, but its perfect! I think I have some form of culture shock over the seasons. It is very rare that I have been in tank top and flip flop weather on my Birthday, or Easter, its amazing! I think I am finally starting to find my groove here, and it wasn't school, or a Wounded Warrior Project thing, or anything like that, its something better. We have made some really amazing friends here, that was the missing puzzle piece. I am such a social person that I a felt empty not having people around all the time! I was really really bummed before my birthday because I didn't hardly know anyone here, and it just wasn't the same, but my husband and the neighbors really made my entire year, no joke! They really know how to make a girl feel special! So tonight, for like the 5th night in a row we sat outside until we couldn't stand the bugs anymore, and as I drank my beer with my pickle and my sunflower seeds, I couldn't help but feel grateful for the amazing people that are always so strategically placed in my life! Widget by Css Reflex | TutZone
As Promised...voting is now live! :)
Stop by HERE and show your support for your favorite Military Blogs! Like I said before, vote for me, or don't just vote, there are tons of amazing people within the nominations. Ill be sporting my Boot Campaign Boots this weekend, I think it would be really cool to accept an award in them! :)
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Sunday, April 24, 2011
Vote for me! :)
I am totally and completely excited to announce that this blog is a finalist in the 2011 milbloggies, what are the milbloggies you ask? The Milbloggies are an annual award ceremony celebrating milblogging around the world. And of course, through the Milbloggies, you�ll be able to find some of the best milblogs on the internet. That being said, voting starts tomorrow! Ill be sure to post the link for you! If you don't vote for me, thats ok, just take a second and vote for someone, all of the blogs listed are amazing, and I even know some of the authors personally, so I will be excited no matter who wins! :) You can find the complete list here.http://milblogging.com/index.php?entry=entry110422-194230
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Saturday, April 23, 2011
saturday morning ramblings...
Lately I sort of feel like i'm living a dream, flying through the days only to look back on them in shock that they passed so quickly. I think its because i'm in school, and Nate's in school, and when he isn't he has appt's or Wounded Warrior Project events, i'm practically drowning in it all...LOL I am enjoying EVERY second though, and taking every opportunity to meet as many people as we can, and use every possible opportunity while we are here. I think we will probably end up staying here after this year, but we just have to take it a day at a time because once Nate gets out of TRACK we really don't know what is going to happen. We have had some interest on our house in Kansas, so that makes me feel a little better, but we don't know how he is going to take to a job after this. Hopefully its better than the last time he tried to work because that didn't work out at all, it was a blessing in disguise though because all that ended in us being here. Next week is my trip! Im stoked for that, kind of nervous at the same time, I am not really a fan of flying, and I get a little nervous meeting new people, even though I know some of them online. I got my Boot Campaign Boots just in time to wear them, i'm excited about that, and i'm excited to get some pictures, so hopefully no one minds that sometimes I think i'm the papparazzi, im also excited because I am a finalist in the 2011 Milbloggies! How awesome is that? Voting opens monday, so I hope you all will pop on over there and vote, for me, or for one of the other awesome bloggers that are listed! There are so many incredible people listed, I hardly feel worthy. I guess all the good definitely outweighs the bad, so I just need to get over myself. Wonder if its going to be cold there? I didn't even think about it, I can see it now I step off the plane in Florida clothes and freeze my butt off...I have adjusted to being here way to well, I think I was born to live here, its just such a perfect fit. Im rambling, so I guess I better go get some housework and homework done, and then try to un-kill the plant in the front yard so our landlord doesn't freak out and evict us, thats the last thing we need! LOL
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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Coping With Invisible Wounds
Many military families keep in mind the days when their spouses return home for providing them some of the best memories. Most of these families will continue on being happy afterwards, but for some families, helping their spouses fight health problems and disease can be a very hard situation. The difficulty involves the fact that a lot of these health issues happen to be more mental than physical issues.
Traumatic Brain Injury is often regarded as being highly tied to military service. This is usually a result of a physical harm or trauma on the frontline, which ends up causing some long term issues. Awareness of any type of blurred vision, dizziness, and balance issues after service can be important in diagnosing a case of TBI. Trouble with memory and mood issues may even be an issue with patients of TBI. As with most health issues, the earlier those signs are recognized, the better in stopping any type of further consequences.
Along with TBI, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is often tied to soldiers in their time after service. It’s also a very hard issue to diagnose. Even with awareness being high, getting soldiers to admit or be looked at by a doctor can be difficult. It’s important for families to take notice of any odd behavior like depression, apathy, and mood swings that may be common with PTSD. For the bulk of soldiers who suffer from PTSD, a solid support technique and cognitive therapy are of the largest helpers in coping.
Another major issue for older and more youthful veterans is mesothelioma. This is a health risk associated with exposure to asbestos, a common material in building structures, most commonly on military bases and shipyards. Although it’s not being used anymore, the health issues related to asbestos don’t create right away, making an early diagnose crucial in helping these patients. Mesothelioma life expectancy is usually only a year on average, making early awareness and realization even more important than with most health issues. Sometimes these patients may need the help of care givers, who are often relatives and spouses.
It’s very unfortunate that that a number of these military families are forced to undergo even more problems and difficult situations in their lives. Moving forward, increased awareness, support and knowledge from relatives and friends will only help to provide our soldiers the best situation feasible for the future.
Article By Taylor Dardan
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Friday, April 15, 2011
What gives?
I cant seem to shake this blah feeling I have, I don't know where it came from, things were going so well, and then all the sudden BAM, the funk hit. I was able to let it go for a few days while the film crew was here, which led me to the conclusion that I miss my friends! I miss having people over all time. I love my family, my husband, he's great, but sometimes, I just need a girlfriend. I have been putting off getting a pedicure for months because I don't want to go by myself. I don't want to be weird and ask some random person from the street either. I guess i'm just having issues fitting in again, really the issue is I think too much. I'm sure people get pedicures alone all the time right? I have come to a crossroad where I almost feel like i'm stepping out of the caregiver role, never really been a fan of that anyways. I have kind of always felt like I needed to crawl out from under him, like he was my identity, he was and is the reason I do everything, and now that I am finally out, I have to learn to adjust to that too. Im sick of adjusting. As a caregiver, we learn to make ourselves seen for the benefit of our warrior, to speak our minds about things that effect them, and things that can help them, but when it came to speaking up for myself...I didn't. I still don't, I need to. I need to find myself again, who am I? Like I said before, I don't have to fill the role of caregiver anymore, my husband has other people to do that for him. Wounded Warrior Project adovocates, arranges appointments, helps him with school work, they have taken my place in a sense which is great, but I feel invisible again. He is busy with school, and WWP stuff, and I haven't found someplace I can fall yet, so I sit at home when i'm not in class or out doing homework, and its really wearing on me. Im losing inspiration for a lot of things really fast, and i'm scared.
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Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Back Tracking a bit...for documentary purposes.
July 30, 2005 - Happy 15 day anniversary! I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since I said "I do" to the man I love. It's perfect really, just the way I imagined it to be. Only 6 more months until our baby boy comes in to the world, then, our family will really be complete!
We have decided to name him after his dad-- Nathaniel David Helmuth Jr. Perfect, right? Well, not really. Everything is perfect about that with the exception of one thing. Part of the reason we decided to name him that was "just in case." Nate deploys in less than 60 days. I can't elaborate for OPSEC reasons, but it's soon.
We are going to Florida next week to visit, and have some down time prior to deployment. Nate says that once we get back, he will be working crazy long hours, and we may not get much time together. It doesn't make sense to me, it's not fair. How are you going to take my husband away from me for a whole year, AND take away the days prior to? I want him to be ready, to get all the training he needs, but i want more time with him, I want what he promised... FOREVER.
I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified.
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Sunday, April 10, 2011
Happy 15 day Anniversary! I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since I said I do to the man I love. Its perfect really, just the way I imagined it to be. Only 6 more months until our baby boy comes in to the world, then, our family will really be complete! We have decided to name him after his Dad, he will be Nathaniel David Helmuth Jr, perfect right? Well not really, everything is perfect about that with the exception of one thing, part of the reason we decided to name him that was "just in case." Nate deploys in less than 60 days, I can't elaborate for OPSEC reasons, but its soon. We are going to Florida next week to visit, and have some down time prior to deployment, Nate says that once we get back he will be working crazy long hours, and we may not get much time together. It doesn't make sense to me, its not fair, how are you going to take my husband away from me for a whole year, AND take away the days prior to? I want him to be ready, to get all the training he needs, but I want more time with him, I want what he promised..FOREVER. I'm not going to lie, i'm terrified, terrified of sleeping alone, terrified of him not making it home for the baby's birth, what if no one makes it. What if I have to give birth completely alone? Nate said that the Army does everything in their power to get them home for the birth of children, but we all know that their power only goes so far.These are trivial things compared to the real questions I should be asking. Will he be safe? What if our marriage doesn't survive, What if he doesn't come home, what if he gets hurt? He assures me daily that everything will be fine, we are strong as a couple, he is strong, he is highly trained, somehow though, none of that makes me feel better. If everything was going to be fine, why are we making a will, why are we talking about what I should do in the event he doesn't make it home, or the process that occurs when a Solider is injured? Maybe its me being a hormonal pregnant lady, but i'm not a fan of all this deployment talk. Its not just all the obvious things that have me down, can I be a single mom to a helpless infant? I've gotten used to the idea of being a mom, in fact i'm totally excited about it, but a single mom? That's NOT going to work. How will I be able to provide for him by myself? How will I help my son remember his Dad? The hardest part is knowing they may not ever even meet. There is just so much going on, and I don't know what to do.
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Tuesday, April 05, 2011
ITs Party time!
Ultimate Blog Party 2011 is underway! What is the Ultimate blog party you ask? The Ultimate Blog Party is just that — the ultimate place to party and meet new friends, (but no babysitters, airplanes, or tickets necessary!) This is my second year attending the party, and I can say that it is a great time! What's not great about meeting new friends, getting prizes, and reading blogs?? Exactly, there is nothing not great about it!
For everyone coming by my blog from the Party, welcome, glad you came! My name is Kristle, in case you haven't figured that out already. I blog about the challenges that face a young military couple struggling from the after math of the war. If you plan on reading a lot, have a tissue handy, you may cry, you will probably laugh until your abs hurt too, so enjoy! I look forward to mingling with you all at your blogs! Party On Bloggers!
For everyone coming by my blog from the Party, welcome, glad you came! My name is Kristle, in case you haven't figured that out already. I blog about the challenges that face a young military couple struggling from the after math of the war. If you plan on reading a lot, have a tissue handy, you may cry, you will probably laugh until your abs hurt too, so enjoy! I look forward to mingling with you all at your blogs! Party On Bloggers!
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Monday, April 04, 2011
I feel sick...
Ever really wanted something. and i'm not talking about the latest and greatest new technology, or car, or anything like that, i'm talking about something that. The one thing I want more than anything in this world is some stability for my children, I didn't exactly have it growing up, and a few years ago, I was certain we could provide that for our children. When my husband came home from Iraq, all that changed, nothing was solid anymore, we never know where we are going, what we are doing. We don't know if he will ever work again, we have hope that he will, but we just don't know. We don't know if he will ever get "better" or when things could turn for the worst. Making the decision to move to Florida was the easiest decision we ever made...to stay in Kansas and see my husband sink further and further into his health issues, his depression, his own world, or move to Florida where as predicted he is thriving. I can promise almost anyone in my shoes would have made the same choice, when provided with the opportunity as we were. I just wish that this were the end of the story, that this would be our happily ever after, but we just don't now, our house in Kansas drained our savings not selling, and even though we have a renter in their now, they are military so that could change at anytime..what then? Aside from saving for the "just in case" there isn't much we can do. With some encouragement from staff at the Wounded Warrior Project, we recently applied for the homes program through Military Warrior Support Foundation, Military Warriors Support Foundation awards mortgage-free homes to wounded heroes injured during combat in Iraq and Afghanistan. The homes are for families who have severe and/or unique circumstances due to their injuries received while serving our country. In addition to the home, the families will receive 3 years of family and financial mentoring. Sounds great right?? Does to me...its making me sick thinking about it. This would be by far the most amazing thing that could ever happen to my family, that being said, I feel sick, things like this just don't work out for us, and we already have one thing against us, that wretched house in Kansas. As much as I want it to be us, I will be excited for anyone who is allowed this opportunity, as I know exactly what it would mean for a Wounded Warrior and their family. Anyways, had to get that out of my system, its eating at me.
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