The Story of a True American Hero, His Princess, and Their Struggle with TBI/PTSD.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ah music...

Ever here a song that takes you back to the very moment you first heard it? Music has a way of doing that to me every time. I can remember a time way back when I was little, probably around 5 years old. My mother had decided to leave my father, again, they spent some time apart for a while prior to that, but I don't remember much, as I work through the details I will share. I know I lived in Minnesota, and we recorded voice tapes to my dad, my brothers and I would still listen to them just a few short years ago...he kept every one. Anyway,  we left during the day while he was at work, with very little things, we didn't actually leave town until the next day, but I didn't even get to say goodbye. That night we stayed at a hotel that was close to some friends of the family, they knew we were there, but no one else did. I know it was close to my Birthday because I remember getting a magna doodle and I made sure we didn't leave without it, it hadn't even been opened. We took the bus to the city which was about 4 hours from us, more like 12 on a bus, but again I don't know the details. We lived in multiple places during that small amount of time, and I can assure you that none of them were luxurious. The only thing that I can really solidify from that time period was an old boom box and a Garth Brooks tape. There were many nights while things were going on either in the room next to me, or in the same room that I put my ear to the speaker, and lost myself in the music just to drown out the outside noise, or to cover my sobs so no one would hear.

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...

I clearly remember us taking a rose to a "friend" of my mom, and him meeting us back to one of the many  motels where we had stayed during that time, I wondered if she thought I was dumb, I knew who he was, but I was paralyzed by the thought of them knowing, Garth was my refuge, my safe place, he knew me better than anyone, and would help me through it.


And, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

This is the first I have really spoke of any of this, but im sure its the first of many, I have a lot to work through, and I hope you all will stick along for the ride, as I could use all the support I could get.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 11:42 PM 1 comments
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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Changing and rearranging!

Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history.  ~Joan Wallach Scott
I am making a lot of changes in my life, all for the better, but i'm starting with organization, and the most unorganized of all beasts was my online life, so I have separated things into two different places on facebook. My Photography page which you can find in the photography tab at the top of my blog, (this will also include an address for my actual photography website) and the Forgetthedognotthebaby fan page which you can find on the home page of this blog. Sorry to be totally confusing, but I was starting to get really overwhelmed keeping everything in line. Hope you all understand! Please add these pages, as I would LOVE to share my work with you.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 12:55 PM 0 comments
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Monday, March 28, 2011

A pondering...

Either I ALWAYS draw the short end of the stick, or God trusts me ALOT!! I cant seem to figure it out, no matter what I do I get slapped down a handful of times, I take a break, and what do I do? Go at it again, why cant I just give up sometimes? Do I enjoy being not included, and outright disrespected by the people who should care the most? I don't think so, but if I didn't know myself I would definitely think otherwise. Im not asking for much. If you send me a text of a baby on a breathing machine, or an x-ray of someones broken hip you should know me well enough to know that i'm going to care, and i'm going to ask what is going on, if everyone is ok, and i'm sure as heck going to expect somewhat of a response within the next 3 months, I mean really, am I asking for too much? Is it asking for too much that when you call to ask for money that you also ask how we are doing? I don't think so. Is it too much to ask that when we are in a jam and need help that you tell us the truth about NOT WANTING to help instead of saying you CANT and then us finding out later that you helped someone else, I don't think thats too much either. Im not asking for anyone to give me the world, be perfect, or cater to my every need, just a little respect, even an ounce will do. If thats too much to ask, well then it goes both ways because if you don't have so much as an ounce to spare, neither do I.  Maybe this is my character flaw, that I can't just sit back and accept being treated like dirt, well if it is, i'm going to own it because i'm done playing silly games, helping people who are not willing to help me too. Im done fighting for attention from  family, cant anyone see I am working my ASS off for my family, or does that not matter anymore? I give and give and give, and everyone knows that they can seek support in me, is it too much to ask for the same? It does seem that the less someone tries the bigger piece of stick they get. Do I have to have children out of wedlock, and steal, and lie, and only worry about myself to have someone say that they are proud of me? I've come far too, THANKS!
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 12:26 PM 0 comments
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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Is about time I grow a pair!

I never say what I need to say when I need to say it, and to the person I need to say it to, and in the end, I get hurt. Im done putting everyone else's needs before my own, and sacrificing what I need to say to spare the feelings of others, oh and i'm done paying for smoothies that I don't get to drink haha! I have a lot of working on myself to do, but i'm willing and excited about it.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 4:05 PM 0 comments

What makes me different?

I have never been the type of person that hides behind the things that my parents, siblings, or significant other does. I was not THAT Army Wife that wore my husbands rank, in fact I wore my own. I have always had something that was my own to fall back on, to pour myself into, and when my husband was injured in Iraq this was no different. Did I support him as much as I could, yes, but did that become the only thing in my life, no, it didn't, instead I used it as a tool to help others. No matter what stage of this process we were in there was always someone at an earlier place that needed guidance. Helping others made things easier for me. Call me selfish, heartless, whatever you will, but this is what worked for us. Maybe thats why I have such a hard time relating with people, even with  most other caregivers.I have such a different outlook. I have been told a few times lately that I am lucky that Nate is doing so well, that he doesn't have TBI as bad, or as serious of a case of PTSD as someone else. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, he still has 100% rating, he still struggles everyday with symptoms of PTSD/ TBI, but we have gotten to the place in our lives where we don't dwell on it. Yes, things are bad, sometimes completely awful, but i'm not going to make myself miserable trying to prove to someone else that my husband is worse off. I am so sick of the competition, the labels, the politics. If your husband is "Worse Off" than mine, you can own that crap because honestly I do not want it. I think that every situation that we as humans are faced with is handled different by every person, so maybe my husband is doing well in school, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, so don't jump to conclusions. There are so many amazing organizations out there that help people in situations such as these, I am so grateful for that type of stuff, and I am more than happy to spread the word about something to another Wounded Warrior Family, unfortunately this is not the case with many others. Everyone wants to be all hush hush about it, keep it within their own little clique, act like they are the only ones worthy. Im tired of it. Im tired of double standards, why is one person expected to share everything they know about everything, but getting others to share helpful information is like pulling teeth. Is it really that much of a competition. I don't think so, but like I said before I think completely different. This struggle is not about me, and my family, its about all of the families going through the same thing, its about reaching out to others, opening your heart and your mind to use your experience as a guide for others. I whole heartedly believe that God put us all in this situation for a reason, we were carefully chosen to fill this role, and if we cannot learn to stop dragging each other down we are only going to continue to struggle.....RANT OVER...hahahah
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 3:45 PM 2 comments
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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The story of how we met... Written by my husband.

It was a crisp, early spring, afternoon at the replacement company at Fort Riley, Kansas. As I walked past the CQ desk at the entrance to the building, I was met with a huge smile. Behind the desk sat this beautiful, young, brunette, woman. Her hair was neatly tucked into a bun, her crisp green uniform actually enhance her big, bright, brown eyes. I said to myself “Who is this girl smiling at me so big? Do I know her? Where could I know her from?” As I continued walking I heard voice say “Hi!” So I returned the greeting and continued on up to my barracks room with a warm, tingling feeling inside.
  ​Later that evening I made my way down to the lobby area where the CQ desk is, as this tends to be a little bit of a social gathering point at the end of the day. When I got down to the desk I noticed that the girl with the smile was still on CQ duty at the desk, and my friend Powell was already talking to her. I thought to myself “Looks like Powell is already trying to get a good word in for himself, I’ll just play it cool” So I sat down and joined the gathering. As I sat in the small group of young soldiers mixed with boys and girls, I remembered that I was going to be on CQ duty in about an hour. Making a general plea with the group asking if anyone had a portable DVD player I could borrow since my shift started so late and I needed to pass the time. To my surprise the girl with the smile suddenly perked up and said “I have one! I will go get after my shift, I’ll even let you borrow my movies!” So I replied politely “Thank you, that’s really cool of you.” I went back to my barracks room to change, all the way thinking to myself “Is this girl just being nice or is there more to it? She doesn’t even know my name but is going to let me borrow her expensive things?”
​Now it’s a bit later that evening and I am on duty at the CQ desk watching the borrowed DVD player, but I’m not by myself. Yes, I am there alone with the girl with the smile. We are just chit chatting and kind of playfully talking and I take out my cell phone. Now I need to explain that Fort Riley is literally in the middle of nowhere Kansas, and cell phones just don’t work that well out there. So I was playing with the phone trying to get it to work and Kristle, yes that’s the pretty smile girl’s name, takes it telling me she will fix it. Blindly I hand it over and let her play around with it. A couple minutes pass and Kristle gives it back saying “Ok it’s better now here you go.” I took it, set it down and continued to halfway watch the movie and talk with Kristle. Suddenly I get a random text message from number pre-programmed into my phone as Kristle that said “you’re kinda cute”. I looked over at her brilliantly glowing face and smiled. I was trying so hard not to turn as red as a tomato, and not succeeding. By this time she still hadn’t even learned my real name but referred to me simply as “Super Star”. I’m not exactly sure how I earned that name but I sure didn’t mind either.
​Now it is nearing two in the morning and my shift will be ending soon. Kristle is still right next to me at the same desk we first locked eyes at twelve hours earlier. I thought our night was coming to an end and we would part ways. Little did I know Kristle was thinking the same thing as me “I am not ready for this night to be over.” Neither of us spoke up though, so we headed to our separate barracks rooms. I not so much as untied my first boot and I got a message. It was from Kristle “Why would she be texting me so soon, did I forget something?” no, it simply said “I’m just not tired.” So I thought to myself, “Why would she tell me this? Ok, this is the perfect chance to make a move!” I replied to her “We could go for a little walk?” The next minute was so long waiting for her reply but I finally got her reply, it said “I would love to!”
​We walked hand in hand all around historic, haunted Fort Riley’s Main Post area. It was chili and there was only the dim light of the moon and a few old light polls. As we walked we talked some more occasionally pausing to stop and face each other awkwardly. One of the times I even put my figures through her thick, curly, hair and referred to it as “fingery” yes I made the word up it was the only thing I could get out of my mouth. Finally we stopped on a small stairway and she blindsided me! Yes! Right on the lips mid-sentence she went in for the kill and kissed me! Then she went on like nothing happened!  Well I didn’t know what to think. My mind was running faster than a cheetah, my stomach twisted every way possible and I felt so electric! I hesitated for a minute not knowing exactly what to do, then I get the “Light Bulb”. It was my turn we stopped; I ran my hands through her “fingery” hair, I looked deep into her eyes, reflecting the only the dim moon light and kissed her with as much passion as I ever had in me! It was from that moment I knew I was in love and I found the woman I would spend the rest of my life with.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 9:58 PM 3 comments

A touch of sun never hurt anyone!

I'm feeling a little better about things today, maybe its because I got out of the house and got some sun. The sun seems to fix everything! The beach is my new happy spot. Tonight is my second and hardest final of the week, its sociology, and my only actual exam! I made flash cards, like a million of them, and I have been studying my butt off. One good thing about not really knowing anyone here is I don't get distracted, my family and my school gets ALL my time, while it may seem overwhelming now, it will be worth it in the long run, right? I'm trying to think on the bright side. Spring break is next week, so that's promising, lets all hope that my tax return comes in this week so we can actually do something....I'd really like to go on a mini getaway, even if it is just camping! Since the kids don't have to take every day off, i'm kind of looking forward to just spending a couple of days with my husband, this could possibly the only time we can have dates! Well, off to study some more! Wish me luck!
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 12:57 PM 0 comments
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Monday, March 21, 2011

One Down, 4 to go!

Finals that is! Tonight I took had my final Black and White Photography class. We presented our work to the class, and I think I did really well. That class always adds to my confidence because people in there really like my work, and the teacher is great! I am exhausted though, i'm ready for this week to be over so I can take a break, I need to re-focus before classes start up again. I have a lot of things in my life that I need to sort through. To touch on what I wrote about earlier, I talked to my husband about it all tonight, which was kind of a first, and also something I hadn't really wanted to do. He told me that the things I am feeling and going through are similar to the things that he was going through. He also told me that just because I don't know where this all came from, or why, it doesn't make it any less of a legitimate issue. I have to talk to someone, I have to get help, guidance something. If not for me, for him. With my encouragement, he was able to get help and work through his issues to the point where he mostly has them under control. Now that he is at a stable enough place to be my rock, its my turn.
P.S I completed the registration for the conference, now I just have to figure out a super strong drink to have before I fly, and ill be good to go!
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 10:47 PM 0 comments
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Fear


Somedays, I’m completely sure of who I am, what I want, and where I am going in life. Other days, like today, I second guess myself, am I doing the right thing, do I have what it takes? Where AM I going in life. I’m not 100% sure where it comes from, but I have always had a touch of anxiety. There were nights  when I was a little girl when I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I was going to die, or I was going to wake up and everyone would be gone, and I’d be all alone. Usually this was for no good reason at all. While this never completely went away, it did suppress it self a bit for a few years, and now, it is back. I am completely terrified of just about everything. I am afraid to fly, afraid to go on a boat, afraid of elevators, and escalators, even afraid to say something to the guy who forgot my smoothie this morning at Panera. What the heck is wrong with me, and how can I fix it? My confidence is completely shot, and  my anxiety is taking over my life. There are so many things that I want to do, that I know I can, but the fact that I am terrified of everything is really holding me back. A perfect example of this is the 2011 MilBlog conference, I would LOVE to go, I have never been to a blog conference. It would be a great opportunity to get to know other bloggers, and to have a good time with it, but the small little fact that I have to fly is holding me back. I wasn’t afraid of flying until the last couple times  I flew. The fear came out of no where, but it is huge. I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry when I’m on a plane, or throw up, or both, so I’d rather just avoid it. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be able to connect with people, but for some reason I’m afraid of that too, we just moved across the country, so that may have something to do with it, but really, I’m taking it to an extreme.  Moving was the greatest thing for us, but it is also taking its toll on me. When we were in Kansas, I still had issues with things, but I had friends that pushed me to do things I wouldn’t otherwise do, I was involved in things that tested me everyday, and kept me doing those things. I’m still not sleeping well at night, I think I have only slept great a few times since Nate’s seizure, and that was a while ago. It may have something to do with the fact that Nate hasn’t been sleeping well,  he snores, and jerks, and stops breathing in his sleep, it freaks me out, I’m worried something will happen, so I stay awake and watch him sleep. I was really hoping that moving here would help things with Nate’s family but it seems to have made things worse, I do my best to try and connect with each of them, but the only ones I’ve seemed to have success with is Nate’s brother and his family. I just don’t understand, I know everyone is going through things, but I will never understand. No one understands the things that Nate and I have been through, yet people still want to say that we have no idea of hardship, and make us feel as though we are the ones making certain situations worse. I’m rambling now, I just have a lot on my mind, I always do, I wish I could turn it off, perhaps, I have a touch of PTSD myself? I have been in many traumatic incidences ranging from when I was little, until more recently, not to mention, I feel like I have taken on some of Nate’s symptoms, he seems to have his under control, and mine seem to have gotten worse. Is that possible? I know I said when I got settled I’d go talk to someone, but I really don’t know where to start, I want to write about these things, I know it will help, but I also know that its going to hurt some people, and I’m not sure I’m willing to do that.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 11:32 AM 3 comments
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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Can you tell your life story in 4 words??

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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 9:22 PM 0 comments
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Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Everything is more beautiful through the lens of a camera!

This is something I seemed to have recognized before but never really took the time to think about why until recently. The last few weeks since I started school, I have been spoiled with a lot of time to myself. My homework is almost always photographing things, so i'm going out and doing what I love for homework. Sounds to good to be true right! Thats what I thought too. I have spent many days just walking around different places taking shots of things, anything, and everything really, and what I have come to realize, is that everything IS more beautiful through the lens of a camera. Its not because it distorts it, or makes the colors pop, or anything magical like making things appear that were not there before, its something within you; your perspective. You have the ability to move the camera in any which way you chose to get the shot, you may lie on the ground, or climb a ladder, or lean up against a wall. All this to get a shot that only has what YOU want in it. Life is very much the same way, you may look at the big picture and see all of the stressful things going on around you, but when you take the time to hone in and be grateful for the smaller things, your perspective changes dramatically. I know I have done a very good job of painting the image of our move to Florida in a way that makes it seem so easy, and so great in every way, but the truth is, the same things are still prominent in our lives that were in Kansas. My husband still has a brain injury, and PTSD, he still struggles with the daily tasks, he still sees many doctors every week, we STILL don't know what our future holds as far as his health goes, but you know what, we are going to make the best of every moment. My shot right now if you can imagine is the four of us, Nate, Myself, Little Nate, and Kynlee on the beach, the waves barely hitting the back of our heels, bright puffy clouds in a bright blue sky, and that is all you see. To our left and right may be trash, a highway, or a wall because the scene is on a backdrop, but i'm making the choice to only hone in on the beauty. I challenge you to do the same, go through life like you have a camera up to your eye, hone in on the beauty and let the rest go.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 10:54 AM 1 comments
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