The Story of a True American Hero, His Princess, and Their Struggle with TBI/PTSD.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Grateful

             I have been having a really hard time blogging lately. It isn't because I don't have anything to say, because I have plenty, its just that so much has changed, I cant really figure out what it is I am trying to say anymore. I spent so much time taking this blog down a negative road, showing everyone my deepest emotions, typing fast and furious trying to see the screen through my tears. The problem is, the last 3 years of my life haven't been ALL bad, in fact more often than not, things were good. For some reason, I felt like if things weren't negative, people wouldn't listen. Part of that comes from this idea that being married to a Wounded Warrior is horrible, that everyone is out to get you, and nothing ever goes your way. Okay, there is some truth in that, we have had tough days, but who doesn't? So instead of complaining, I want to share with you all some things I am thankful for that wouldn't be the way they are if not for my husband.
First and foremost I am thankful he is here, there are many people who do not get to say that. My heart goes out to each of you for making that sacrifice for me, and for my family.
I am grateful that he is not currently deployed.
I am grateful for health insurance.
I am grateful that my husband although he isn't working continues to get paid.
I am grateful for resources such as the Wounded Warrior Project who can offer people life my husband a fresh start.
I am thankful for groups like Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives for allowing me to connect to with other wives like me, and to help those who are newer to this crazy life.
I am grateful for all the amazing people we have met along the way who keep me grounded.
I am thankful for scholarships that are for spouses of Wounded Warriors.
I am thankful for not having to pay full price on plates in Florida because Nate is wounded.
I am thankful for  Grants that help my children have an identity outside of Daddy and his injuries.
I am thankful for second chances.
I could go on all day, but I think you get the point! I am sick and tired of everyone, including me,  complaining about everything.  Every situation has its bad and good, what you get out of it is up to you!
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 10:38 PM 1 comments
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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Revised 101 in 1001! :)

This was something I thought at one point was a great idea, and it still is, however I am finding that I need to learn how to set goals better, I am going to owe someone a lot of money on September 28, 2011. I almost completely forgot about it until a friend who also did it with me poster her revised list....heres mine:

Started Jan 1st 2010
To be Completed Friday, September 28, 2012
Complete
in progress

1. Read 100 books I HAVE NOT read before.
currently reading
 
2. Take one Picture a day for 365 days of something beautiful other than my children. See my blog Kristleclearimages.blogspot.com Totally Failed This one....
3. Complete my NYIP courses I Didn't do this, but im enrolled at the Art Institute now so that totally makes up for it!And This one...
4. Take one Picture of each of my children everyday for 365 days. See my blog Kristleclearimages.blogspot.com And This one!
5. Turn my blog into a book every year!
6. Get up to date and keep up with Nate and Kynlees Scrap Books!
7. Make and Stick to a Budget! We don't have much of a choice, things are pretty tight, but we will make it work, We HAVE to!
8. Volunteer Somewhere! Pretty sure I acomplished that one, I was on volunteer overload there for a while!
9. Excercise EVERYDAY!
10.Finish Nates Shadow Box, ill have to buy another because when we went on our rampage of selling everything to get to Florida the one I had went.
11.Take a Dance Class
12.Become more involved in the church! Starting over now that we are in florida! Step one: Find a church! We Finally found a church here in Floria, it is a perfect fit for me and my family!
13. Make new friends. Yay! I def made new friends, lost some too, but now I get to start all over in Florida!
14.Send someone I care about Flowers just because!
15. Send out our family newsletter every month!- Failed This one too!


16.Write a letter to my kids once a month and put them in a book! And This One
17. Its a Secret! Changed my mind about this one!
18.Enter a Photo Contest
19. No more Soda!
20. No eating out during the week!
21. Encourage someone else to make a 101 in 1001! Thank you Rhianna! :)
22. Go on one Date night a month, we were doing good with this one, but now, its rare, once we get more plugged in to the community it might be easier!
23. Blog AT LEAST once a week!
24.Go to a concert
25. Become Unforgettable
26. Learn a new word Every Day!
27. Read the Bible, front to back.
28. Become a Pen pal.
29. Complete the 50 Questions that will free your mind!
30. Go one week without watching TV!
31. Devote one day a week to be electronic free!(unless there is an emergency and I need to call someone) 
32. Have a Picnic, with a basket and blanket and everything!
33. Make a list of 101 things that make me happy!
34. Identify 25 things id like to change about myself, and write myself a letter about the benefits of changing that particular thing.
35. Take a cake decorating  class.
36. Do a walk for a cause.
37. Use some of my own pictures for household decor.
38. Take a Vacation
39. Write a piece for a magazine, paper, or journal I was published in Fort Riley's newspaper TWICE GO me!
40. Make at least one home movie of the kids each month!
41. Send a postcard to Post Secret
42. Send out 10 cards to let people know I am thinking of them.
43. Go Camping
44. Take a road trip!
45. Make a cook book of my favorite recipes.
46. Take a self defense class.
47. Go to a drive in movie!
48. Pay for someone elses food at a restaraunt.
49. Attend a Comedy show
50. Finish my degree
51. Donate Blood 5 times
52. Reorganzie my Kitchen
53. Send a Care package to a Soldier
54.Get Baptised
55.Sponsor a family for Christmas
56.Throw myself a Birthday Party!
57. Have a bonfire/BBQ with Friends.
58. Host a Game night with Friends.
59.Continue to build up our savings
60. Get an Eye Examination.
61.Go to a Hot air Balloon Festival.
62. Take a train ride
63. Visit the Omaha Zoo Im going to call this a fail as well, I doubt ill be heading back that way for a zoo...
64. Create and keep up with Nates behavior chart
65. Potty Train Kynlee-we bought her a potty this week, thats a step in the right direction!
66. Talk to my siblings at least once a week.
67. Write a letter to my mom.
68. Only associate with people who ADD to my life.
69. Save all my change in a jar and take it to coinstar for our vacation! (This one was a bust, but if your read my blog "Baby Jayden" you will find out why.
70. Pay off Credit Cards entirely, and dont use them!
71. Plant a garden, and keep it alive!
72. Visit a Planetarium
73. Visit a Winery
74. DeClutter my house, donate what we dont use
75. Stay off the computer unless the kids are sleeping, or its school related!
78. Make a list of 101 songs that are my absolute favorite.
79. Attend a marriage seminar, or something of that sort.
80. Save up the money for Nates Surprise
81. Follow through with Nates Surprise
82. Reconnect with an old friend.
83. Organize all my addresses and phone numbers in to an actual book so that I dont have to call everyone on every holiday and ask for it!
84. Make another 101 list before the completion of this one.
85. Learn something new each month, blog about it.
86. Learn to Sew
87. Finish Painting the inside of the house. We got lucky and our new house is already painted!
88.Stop biting my nails
89. Visit 3 museums
90. Go on the Wagon train expedition.
91.Get my boating license
92. Get a hunting license
93. Have somebody else suggest something that I should do. ANYONE?!?!?!
94. Plan weekly menus
95.Get family Portraits done
96. Remove everyone from my Social media sites that I dont talk to at least once a week.
97. Sponsor a Child
98. Oraganzie a babysitting swap so that friends can have date nights with their spouses and so can we! Tried to get this done in KS but it didn't work out, I dont know enough people here yet, so we shall see!
99.Give a restaraunt gift card to a mom needing a break from cooking!
100.Donate 5 for every goal I fail to meet to charity.
101.Donate 5 for every goal I complete to my self!
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 11:29 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Take time for you

Today was my second day of classes at the Art Institute, and I'm loving it. I think the main reason is because it is my own. As a military spouse, it is so easy to get caught up in the every day chaos that is our life that we forget to think about us, our wants, our needs, our goals. We lose sight of the person that we are in order to take care of our families. Sometimes though, we have to think about us. We have to take a step back and see the person that we are as an individual, not the person we are because our husbands are or were soldiers, or because our husband is, or was deployed. The spouses are the glue that hold the family together, but how can you hold a family together when you are falling apart? I always said I wanted to learn to juggle, but I didn't mean 50 million things that seem to have the weight of the world. I never expected to have to juggle some of the things that I do, it can get really heavy, really fast! I have heard the phrase "take time for you," probably like a gazillion and one times, but never really knew how that felt until this week. I finally have something I can take pride in, that I can work hard on. Ask me come finals week, and I may feel differently, but that's beside the point. I now have people that I can learn with, people I can teach, and maybe even people who will become my friends. All of those things which have nothing to do with my husband. If I chose to tell them about my husband having PTSD I can, if I don't want to mention anything other than I'm married I don't have to. Being the person I am I probably will, but my success here is based strictly on MY talents, MY determination, and ultimately  MY success. So, my word of advice to those who let those words "take time for yourself,' go in one ear and out the other; take it from me...curl up with a book, take a bath, get a pedi, meet a friend for lunch, work towards something YOU love....TAKE TIME FOR YOU!! It is crucial!
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 10:22 PM 0 comments
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My mind is on overload!!

This week was pretty much an overload! I have come to find that if I am not in a high stress situation, I do not function well, so when things calm down I create chaos for myself! Monday I attended an open house at the Art Institute of Jacksonville, it was really awesome, and by the end of the day, I had enrolled. Not really sure what I was thinking considering I have two children, not in daycare, and a husband who also spends most of his days outside of the home. So, here I go again, creating chaos! My next step was to find child care, I had a few in mind since I had been looking around a bit prior to this escapade so that part was fairly easy, but when found out I was it was going to cost me over a thousand dollars a month, I fell plum out of my chair! I'm still not sure how we are going to make this happen, but somehow it has to come together. I am being selfish and not allowing myself, or anything else to put my dreams on hold. This year seems like the perfect time to do it and since I will not be paying a dime for the actual education part, I think I can figure it out! I started my first class tonight, and I am absolutly amazed at the amount of care they put into making sure each student knows what they are doing, where they need to be, EVERYTHING. They are just very well put together, and being there is so comfortable me.

 On the other side of things I am really missing "The friends" this week. "The Friends," is a term my son came up with for the film crew, everyday he, and ill admit I took part in this too, we would watch out the window for them to get here so we could start filming, or whatever was planned for the day. Now that they are back home in FREEZING COLD Connecticut, I am very sad. They became such a huge part of my life in such a short amount of time, I miss them, a lot. Each one of them held such a unique set of talents, and passions, yet at the same time that wasn't what mattered. They made us feel like we were the only things to matter, and even though this was "Work" for them, it sure didn't feel that way! I am so blessed to be able to add them to the already amazing group of friends that I have! I am one lucky lady to have such an amazing support system!

As you can see, my mind is really out there today, but I wanted to update you all on a few things. Ill get my life in order this week, and ensure you won't be reading just jiberish! LOL
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 9:59 PM 1 comments
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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The best things in life are unexpected

Last week at this time, I had no idea what to expect. I knew that in a few short days my world would be invaded by 5 students on a mission to film their senior project, to take our story and use it to change lives. What I didn't realize though was that they too would change mine. All too often we put up walls to protect ourselves from letting anything in, unfortunately for us when we do that, it also prevents us from letting things out. This week my walls are being broke down. It has been a very emotionally draining week, I am working through emotions I did not even know where there, and re-touching on those that I did. I was caught a little bit off guard today by a message from another Soldier who is currently deployed to Iraq. He went on to tell me that my husbands sacrifices are not in vain, and that wearing the uniform is not something he takes lightly. His passion was so familiar, he possessed a lot of qualities similar to Nate. He continued by paying his respect to me, and to all of those who are left behind. After having a heart to heart with a Soldier I did not know, he revealed a detail to me that would bring me tears. His girlfriend is part of the documentary team....for those of you who have been reading a while you know that I don't usually like to share our story with those who have loved ones deployed. I hate being the epitome of what could happen. 4 days ago, this would have bothered me, today, it gave me even more motivation to be as completely honest and heartfelt as I can. Knowing that Kristen would lay her own feelings aside to share the story of someone she doesn't know is nothing short of amazing. I believe that because of this, and so many other things the team and I bonded today more than I ever expected us to. Just goes to show that things aren't always what you expect. I expected a film crew, and ended up with lifelong friends.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 1:08 AM 1 comments
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Sunday, January 09, 2011

I wanted to share this again...

          Dear Nate, i'm sorry that I make you watch movies like The Hurt Locker, and Brothers. I know that this could potentially trigger emotion in you, but this is me trying to be like everyone else, "normal", and watch the movies that everyone else is watching. I'm going to try harder to safeguard you from these things in the future, seeing you so upset kills me. I can't begin imagine the things that you have been through, and although you have let me in on a few things, i'm sure that there are thousands more things inside of you that I will never know. I just want you to know that no matter what you saw over there, no matter what you did, you are my husband and I love you. Things may never be the same again, but I don't care, you are here with me now, and that is all that matters! Sometimes, I feel like i'm pushing you too hard to be the person you once were, and i'm sorry for that, I just want you to succeed, and I feel like i'm the only one who can do that for you. You will never understand how much my heart breaks seeing you like this. I wish I could take away all your pain. Like if I had a magic wand that would take away the bad dreams, the headaches, the speech and memory problems, poof you could breathe like a normal 28 year old man again, I would fix it all, I promise I would.I have spent countless nights awake next to you in bed just watching you breathe just to make sure you were. When you grind your teeth at night, or yell in your sleep, I cry, I'm not scared, but I know there is nothing I can do to take that away, and that destroys me.I know you don't know that I read your letter to Sgt Wright, but that was amazing baby, i'm so proud of you for facing that. I know that you feel awful for being here when he isn't, but he would be so proud of you for coming so far, and I know everyday he is watching over us and protecting you, and your family, just like he would have done if he were still with us.Am I scared of what is to come, yes, I don't know where we will be in 5 years, but who does? We are going to make it through this baby no matter what it takes, I am going to continue to learn everything I can about all this, and use it to our advantage. You may have fallen through the cracks before, but im never going to let that happen again, you deserve the best, and ill accept nothing less.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 9:25 PM 4 comments
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Friday, January 07, 2011

Documentary Day One!

Some times reflections are not about looking back, but instead looking forward.
Today was day one of filming, for those of you who don't know we have a student film crew making a documentary about the effects of war for their senior project! One of the things we did today was go through some of the letters that he sent me from Iraq. It really brought up a lot of old emotions. He wrote about his days, about missing me and the baby, about things married couples do, for those of who who have ever had a spouse deployed you know EXACTLY what I mean, but more than anything it was a confirmation that we loved each other then, and we love each other now, and that is ALL that matters.  He promised to give me the world, pretty much everyday, and he has. It may not be what we defined as the world then, but instead the world as seen through a new lens.
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 10:10 PM 2 comments
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Tuesday, January 04, 2011

A Push in the right Direction

Day 2 of TRACK is now complete! Nate is really enjoying being part of something again. The past year and a half with out structure have been torture,on us both. Me mostly. Maybe that is an exaggeration, but as much as I loved having him by my side every second of every day, I am  ready for a break. I am ready for someone else to tell him that he can succeed instead of encouraging him to do nothing. Don't get me wrong, I will never understand what he went through, or how he feels, and I think it is perfectly okay to have an "off "day, but I will certainly not enable him to fail. I can remember a time shortly after his diagnosis, we were sitting in an appointment with one of the doctors he was seeing at the time and the topic of work, housework, things like that got brought up. Before I could even express how beyond frustrated I was with having to do EVERYTHING myself, the doctor proceeded to tell me that my husband was a war hero, he's done his job, now I should do mine. It was at that point that  I promised myself at that  I would not allow him to be "done." I am proud beyond words of the things that my husband has accomplished, he is my hero, but he is 29 years old with two small children, he can't just give up. All too often I wonder if I have pushed him too hard, if i'm going to make him resent me for making him get help in the first place, or for encouraging him to continue.  So far my "tough love"  has paid off , the decision for him to go to TRACK was entirely his own. He did the application, the interviews, he flew to Florida on his own for his face to face interview. This was "HIS," and I think that is going to make a huge difference in his attitude towards the whole thing, that and the fact that the program itself is no joke. They cannot be late, they have to maintain their grades, they have to have permission to miss days, there is no getting in trouble, they are required to work out at least 3 times a week, even to save a certain amount of money each month, its very involved. I know that its going to be tough at times, I can almost guarantee after this "newness" buzz wears off that he is going to be totally and completely exhausted. At least for me I'll have help in keeping the fire under his booty lit! :)


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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 9:30 PM 7 comments
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Saturday, January 01, 2011

2011

      Some of my favorite things to do as a child were watching cartoons on Saturday mornings, rolling down grass hills, and spinning in circles as fast as I could until I could barely stand. I found joy in building castles out of cardboard boxes, and pretending to "drive" by hopping in a wagon and rolling down a hill. Simple pleasures that I will never forget. This year instead of a resolution I vow to take hold of those simple moments, I will dance like i'm crazy, sing like I can, laugh ALOT, there will be lots of picnics, and playgrounds, and bubbles, just "one more" bedtime story...lots of brand new amazing memories for me and my children!  I vow to choose Happy over sad, joy over anger,  to move on instead of dwell. Here's to a happier, more simple me!


"Until you realize you are the creator of your own misery you will never be truly happy."
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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 9:08 PM 1 comments

Out with a Bang!




New Years Eve at the beach! It was perfect, not just because it was the beach, but it signified so much more. We said goodbye to the hurt, the tears, the fear that 2010 handed us, and hello to all things new! This year is going to be our year....we are starting fresh, new place, new opportunity, new joys! Bring on 2011!!



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Posted by Kristle Helmuth at 3:59 AM 1 comments
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