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Saturday, November 27, 2010
An Overwhelming sense of.....something.
Today is the day, we leave Kansas for good. All our things are packed in the Uhaul, but I think because Kansas City is such a common place for us, it didn't hit me until today. I am very very excited don't get me wrong, but I am so overwhelmed I want to cry. Everything is setting in at once. Last night we made our trip to the VA ER, as we always do when we go somewhere...this time it was just because I forgot my husbands meds at the old house...just the two most important ones, his anxiety meds, and his anti-seizure....could have gotten really ugly, especially because he went into flip out mode at Best Buy, and I had no idea he had not taken his meds, I simply thought he had just taken them on his own. Guess we aren't quite ready for him to have total and complete responsibility for that. To top that whole mess off, I was cleaning the car out this morning to get things ready to go...and there they were. My whole mind is overwhelmed...who wants to step up and be MY caregiver. LOL Leaving this place means so many things for us. It means a change of scenery, being close to a different set of family, much more things to do, hope for my husband that he will succeed and move on from his injuries, all great things, but I must confess, I am attached to Kansas. My life began here, 6 years ago, I reported to my first Duty Station Fort Riley, Kansas. I met the love of my life, was married a few months later, had my amazing son in 2006, 9 months later my husband deployed to Iraq. I Completed my Military Service in June of 2007. December 2007, a man claiming to be my husband returned from Iraq.We struggled for months before he was finally diagnosed with PTSD/TBI, right around the same time we found out we were expecting our daughter. While I was pregnant with her I got my first G-S job...it was a huge deal to me because I had been working as a contractor on post and a lot of people were having a hard time getting them! Miss Kynleee was born in December of 2008. In February 2008, after being told my husband would not be able to stay in the Military we moved Off Post and bought our first home. In June of 2009 Nate Retired from the Military. He was also offered a Govt job. In November 2009 I quit my job because the price of daycare was eating us alive and I was missing a lot to go to appointments and things with Nate. Had I known Nate would not be able to hold his job, I may have kept mine, but as we all know things happen for a reason. In June of 2010 Nate quit his job because he had too many appointments and it was really overwhelming for him. The VA then deemed him unemployable. From there we set out to try and find our new purpose. I took on Volunteer work with several organizations ending with a huge involvement in the start of a Kansas Chapter of Operation Homefront. We applied for a home through Wounded Warrior Family Support, but that didn't pan out. We thought we would RV it for a while, but with all Nate's medical we couldn't figure out how to do that....that time will come. We were ready to get out of Kansas no matter what it took. We put our house up for sale, and a few days later I saw the information about the WWP TRACK Program...no idea that it would end up being our future we applied. Nate was accepted for the program within a month. So now that the time is here....im not ready, im scared to death.....
Friday, November 12, 2010
Sometimes, you just have to let go!
Nate, the kids and I left Kansas early Wednesday morning, on a road trip to see my family in Colorado! I haven't been out here in over a year, and the last time was not a joyous occasion. Last September we lay my Grandfather to rest, as when anyone passes on there are lots of emotions. For me though, the emotions weren't the typical. I was more mad at myself than anything else. My kids were the first great grand children, and he never got to meet them. Perhaps I will never forgive myself for it, but if I can help it at all, that will NEVER happen again. That being said, I am making every effort this time I am here to see everyone I can, regardless of the past, even my mom. Now, my mom and I have never had much of a relationship, she made some decisions when we were younger that were not the greatest, but the rest I think was me. I harbor so much anger and resent towards not just her, but the situation as a whole. I am realizing more and more as I grow up that sometimes, you have to do what you have to do to survive in this crazy world. I should be giving her some credit for knowing that she could not provide us the things that we needed, and allowing my Dad to take care of us because I grew up happy and healthy with all the things I needed. I have been around her a few times in the past, and although I was young I never gave the experience a chance, I just HATED it no matter what! It was different this time though, instead of allowing my Dad, or now ex stepmother make my decisions for me, I made my own decision to have a good time and let go of everything else, and although that was the most time I have spent around her in all my adult life it was nice. I look forward to getting to know her. After all, she did give birth to me.
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Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Jacksonville!
Here we come....
Nate was chosen to attend the Wounded Warrior Project's TRACK program. I am pretty excited abut the whole idea of him taking a step forward, and he did it all on his own. I didn't have to force him, or hold his hand through the process, so I know its something he really wants. Kind of makes me feel like a jerk, for all the times I said he never does ANYTHING, maybe that's because he wasn't sure what it was he wanted to do. This time he didn't hesitate, all I did was mention it to him, and he did the rest. The idea has finally sunk in, we are really going, this is real. We have been in Kansas since 2005, that's a long time for a Military family to be in one place. I have a lot going for myself here, I have stayed involved with everything I could, made a lot of friends, some of which I still have, but looking back, I think all this has caused us to grow apart as a couple. I learned to rely on others and not him instead of relying on him for his strong points, I pushed him away because I was angry, not at him, but this life. It has become my world here, yes he has been part of it, but after coming home from Iraq he didn't have a chance to plant roots, he was recovering the whole time. While it was good for me, I think its unfair, I have everything here, and he has...me...I think this move will be good for our relationship. I think the situation gave him an identity that he will have to struggle to shed if we stay. Everyone here knows us, knows what we have been through, they have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, and of course what sticks out in most minds is the ugly, and that's not fair to him. PTSD/TBI should not be his identity, it should be like any other illness, just a part of the person. This is a chance for us to rely on, and only have each other for a while. We have a lot to work on when it comes to our relationship, and as individuals but we are both willing to work through it for the greater good of our family. Although I have yet to find a downside to this move, I am not looking forward to the logistics...not one bit....I hate moving across town, let alone across the country, but I AM excited!
Nate was chosen to attend the Wounded Warrior Project's TRACK program. I am pretty excited abut the whole idea of him taking a step forward, and he did it all on his own. I didn't have to force him, or hold his hand through the process, so I know its something he really wants. Kind of makes me feel like a jerk, for all the times I said he never does ANYTHING, maybe that's because he wasn't sure what it was he wanted to do. This time he didn't hesitate, all I did was mention it to him, and he did the rest. The idea has finally sunk in, we are really going, this is real. We have been in Kansas since 2005, that's a long time for a Military family to be in one place. I have a lot going for myself here, I have stayed involved with everything I could, made a lot of friends, some of which I still have, but looking back, I think all this has caused us to grow apart as a couple. I learned to rely on others and not him instead of relying on him for his strong points, I pushed him away because I was angry, not at him, but this life. It has become my world here, yes he has been part of it, but after coming home from Iraq he didn't have a chance to plant roots, he was recovering the whole time. While it was good for me, I think its unfair, I have everything here, and he has...me...I think this move will be good for our relationship. I think the situation gave him an identity that he will have to struggle to shed if we stay. Everyone here knows us, knows what we have been through, they have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly, and of course what sticks out in most minds is the ugly, and that's not fair to him. PTSD/TBI should not be his identity, it should be like any other illness, just a part of the person. This is a chance for us to rely on, and only have each other for a while. We have a lot to work on when it comes to our relationship, and as individuals but we are both willing to work through it for the greater good of our family. Although I have yet to find a downside to this move, I am not looking forward to the logistics...not one bit....I hate moving across town, let alone across the country, but I AM excited!
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