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Sunday, March 28, 2010
Dear Nate, a letter to my husband.
Dear Nate, i'm sorry that I make you watch movies like The Hurt Locker, and Brothers. I know that this could potentially trigger emotion in you, but this is me trying to be like everyone else, "normal", and watch the movies that everyone else is watching. I'm going to try harder to safeguard you from these things in the future, seeing you so upset kills me. I can't begin imagine the things that you have been through, and although you have let me in on a few things, i'm sure that there are thousands more things inside of you that I will never know. I just want you to know that no matter what you saw over there, no matter what you did, you are my husband and I love you. Things may never be the same again, but I don't care, you are here with me now, and that is all that matters! Sometimes, I feel like i'm pushing you too hard to be the person you once were, and i'm sorry for that, I just want you to succeed, and I feel like i'm the only one who can do that for you. You will never understand how much my heart breaks seeing you like this. I wish I could take away all your pain. Like if I had a magic wand that would take away the bad dreams, the headaches, the speech and memory problems, poof you could breathe like a normal 28 year old man again, I would fix it all, I promise I would.I have spent countless nights awake next to you in bed just watching you breathe just to make sure you were. When you grind your teeth at night, or yell in your sleep, I cry, I'm not scared, but I know there is nothing I can do to take that away, and that destroys me.I know you don't know that I read your letter to Sgt Wright, but that was amazing baby, i'm so proud of you for facing that. I know that you feel awful for being here when he isn't, but he would be so proud of you for coming so far, and I know everyday he is watching over us and protecting you, and your family, just like he would have done if he were still with us.Am I scared of what is to come, yes, I don't know where we will be in 5 years, but who does? We are going to make it through this baby no matter what it takes, I am going to continue to learn everything I can about all this, and use it to our advantage. You may have fallen through the cracks before, but im never going to let that happen again, you deserve the best, and ill accept nothing less.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
#33 on my 101 List Make a list of 101 things that make me happy!
Here they are in no particular order....101 things that make THIS GIRL happy! :) Enjoy!
1. Snuggling in bed on rainy days! There is something about it being a bit chilly, but warm under the blankies that makes me feel warm inside, I love it, and if I could spend at least one day every week snuggling on a rainy day, I think my world would be a better place!
2. Music, I love music, all types! I like to make mix's that reflect my mood, right now im listening to Jack Johnson Banana Pancakes! This song talks about rainy days, and pretending like its the weekend, its great!
3. Sonic Sweet Tea, I like to refer to it as "heaven in a glass," there is just something about the way the little round ice calls melt in my mouth, I dont know I love it it! Any bad day is instantly erased with "Heaven in a glass."
4. Kynlees laugh, she thinks she is the most hilarious person on earth, and even when Im mad she laughs for no reason, and it makes my day!
5. Little Nates desire to learn, he is always asking questions, and is so proud when he learns something new, I know its going to take him far in life!
6. Seeing my husband have a conversation with someone, I know this one is an odd one, but there was a time last year when he couldn't do this, he would either walk away and never remember he was talking, or he couldn't spit out what he wanted to say and he would get frustrated, so for a while he just wouldn't do it, unless he had to. I am so proud of the progress he has made.
7. New clothes, I love them, what girl doesnt?
8. Lifetime.....im a sucker I know, but even on the worst day, I could watch Lifetime all day, and it would make things better!
9. My camera, ah yes, I love my camera, I love taking pictures of anything, and everything,, its kind of obnoxious, but I love it!
10. Friends, new and old, I love the feeling of involving people in my life, and having someone besides my husband to share things with, its amazing!
11. Skype, I love having skype dates with my friends who are spread all over the place, its almost like having them right here!
12. The fresh after bath smell of a baby....mmmmmm!
13. Babies....I love them, im good with my two, but ill hold one anytime!
14. Road Trips!
15. The Ocean!
16. Old Navy Flip Flops!
17. Notebooks!
18. My favorite pen!
19. Old Houses with secret rooms, and wraparound porches with swings on them...gorgeous!
20. Reading other peoples blogs!
21. Bookstores....I could spend all day there!
22. Photobooths, what could be more fun than squeezing as many people as you can in one??
23. Fortune cookies, they may not taste that great, but they are nothing short of amazing!
24. snail mail!
25. Bubble Baths!
26. When my son makes me something at school! A painted Rock, Macaroni Art...its simple but I know it was made with all his love!
27. Lists..obviously.
28.Ah- ha moments!
29. Sunlight on Bare Skin!
30. Sometimes when Nate doesnt know I am watching him, and still choose to do the right thing... then I know I have done my job.
31. Sleeping under the stars!
32. Magazines!
33. Fireplaces!
34. Holding Hands...again simple gestures but they make me feel good!
35. Laughing so Hard I cry!
36. Bonfires.
37. Funnel Cakes38. Fireworks!
39. Facebook!
40. Free Stuff!
41. TV shows that hook me! ( Army Wives, One Tree Hill, Secret Life) Im sure there are more but these are my current Faves!
42. Genuine Compliments!
43. When strangers read my blog and have nice things to say about me!
44. Tree houses
45. Bubble Wrap
46. Photoshop!
47. Trying to guess my total at the grocery store!
48. Being an inspiration to someone!
49. That gut feeling you get when you know things others dont.
50. Inside Jokes
51. Playing the Wii
52. Watching my hubby play the guitar!
53. Snowflakes!
54. Picnics!
55. Song Lyrics that "FIT"
56. Knowing the God has a purpose for me!
57. The internet
58. My slightly evil streak that gives me ample opportunity to snicker at myself and others in my own head.
59. Possibilities.....
60. The sound of typing....I know its weird!
61. Lotion..I have a large collection!
62. Miracles
63. Freshly waxed eyebrows!
64. Glitter!
65. Fresh sheets!
66. Dry Erase Calendars!
67. Movies I have seen 100 times, but still want to watch!
68. My IMAC
69. My IPHONE
70. Planners, like the ones with paper and stuff. LOL
71. Sore Muscles after a good workout.
72. Sunsets
73. Sunrises
74. Water Bottles
75. Black, White and Red Kitchens
76. Rubber Ducky Bathrooms
77. Hanging pictures on the wall before anything else when you move.
78. When my car is clean!
79. Learning new words
80. Cute toes
81. New Bras
82. Discovering new fun places
83. When my kids fall asleep in the car
84. Kid music
85. Doing crazy off the wall things that no one else thinks to do.
86. Good Hair Days!
87. Peanut butter
88. Bubbles
89. Flying Kites
90. Feeling safe
91. Being early
92. Having people to look up to
93. Being looked up to!
94. craigslist
95. When I ACE a test!
96. ceiling fans
97. Play dough
98. Slippers
99. Searching for sea shells
100. Losing Weight
101. Being missed.
Alright friends there it is!
1. Snuggling in bed on rainy days! There is something about it being a bit chilly, but warm under the blankies that makes me feel warm inside, I love it, and if I could spend at least one day every week snuggling on a rainy day, I think my world would be a better place!
2. Music, I love music, all types! I like to make mix's that reflect my mood, right now im listening to Jack Johnson Banana Pancakes! This song talks about rainy days, and pretending like its the weekend, its great!
4. Kynlees laugh, she thinks she is the most hilarious person on earth, and even when Im mad she laughs for no reason, and it makes my day!
5. Little Nates desire to learn, he is always asking questions, and is so proud when he learns something new, I know its going to take him far in life!
6. Seeing my husband have a conversation with someone, I know this one is an odd one, but there was a time last year when he couldn't do this, he would either walk away and never remember he was talking, or he couldn't spit out what he wanted to say and he would get frustrated, so for a while he just wouldn't do it, unless he had to. I am so proud of the progress he has made.
7. New clothes, I love them, what girl doesnt?
8. Lifetime.....im a sucker I know, but even on the worst day, I could watch Lifetime all day, and it would make things better!
10. Friends, new and old, I love the feeling of involving people in my life, and having someone besides my husband to share things with, its amazing!
11. Skype, I love having skype dates with my friends who are spread all over the place, its almost like having them right here!
12. The fresh after bath smell of a baby....mmmmmm!
13. Babies....I love them, im good with my two, but ill hold one anytime!
14. Road Trips!
15. The Ocean!
16. Old Navy Flip Flops!
17. Notebooks!
18. My favorite pen!
20. Reading other peoples blogs!
21. Bookstores....I could spend all day there!
22. Photobooths, what could be more fun than squeezing as many people as you can in one??
23. Fortune cookies, they may not taste that great, but they are nothing short of amazing!
24. snail mail!
25. Bubble Baths!
26. When my son makes me something at school! A painted Rock, Macaroni Art...its simple but I know it was made with all his love!
27. Lists..obviously.
28.Ah- ha moments!
29. Sunlight on Bare Skin!
30. Sometimes when Nate doesnt know I am watching him, and still choose to do the right thing... then I know I have done my job.
31. Sleeping under the stars!
33. Fireplaces!
34. Holding Hands...again simple gestures but they make me feel good!
35. Laughing so Hard I cry!
36. Bonfires.
37. Funnel Cakes39. Facebook!
40. Free Stuff!
41. TV shows that hook me! ( Army Wives, One Tree Hill, Secret Life) Im sure there are more but these are my current Faves!
42. Genuine Compliments!
43. When strangers read my blog and have nice things to say about me!
44. Tree houses
46. Photoshop!
47. Trying to guess my total at the grocery store!
48. Being an inspiration to someone!
49. That gut feeling you get when you know things others dont.
50. Inside Jokes
51. Playing the Wii
52. Watching my hubby play the guitar!
53. Snowflakes!
55. Song Lyrics that "FIT"
56. Knowing the God has a purpose for me!
57. The internet
58. My slightly evil streak that gives me ample opportunity to snicker at myself and others in my own head.
59. Possibilities.....
60. The sound of typing....I know its weird!
61. Lotion..I have a large collection!
62. Miracles
64. Glitter!
65. Fresh sheets!
66. Dry Erase Calendars!
67. Movies I have seen 100 times, but still want to watch!
68. My IMAC
69. My IPHONE
70. Planners, like the ones with paper and stuff. LOL
71. Sore Muscles after a good workout.
72. Sunsets
73. Sunrises
74. Water Bottles
76. Rubber Ducky Bathrooms
77. Hanging pictures on the wall before anything else when you move.
78. When my car is clean!
79. Learning new words
80. Cute toes
81. New Bras
82. Discovering new fun places
83. When my kids fall asleep in the car
84. Kid music
85. Doing crazy off the wall things that no one else thinks to do.
86. Good Hair Days!
87. Peanut butter
88. Bubbles
89. Flying Kites
90. Feeling safe
91. Being early
92. Having people to look up to
93. Being looked up to!
94. craigslist
95. When I ACE a test!
97. Play dough
98. Slippers
99. Searching for sea shells
100. Losing Weight
101. Being missed.
Alright friends there it is!
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What a great day!
Today was awesome, we had a Easter themed play date for the kids complete with egg dye, crafts, and even an egg hunt, it was raining, but we had them hid in the playroom/garage, it was adorable! I was disappointed at first that it wasn't going to be A lot of people, but it works out better that way for everyone. Nate isn't exactly the most social person anymore, so the less people the better. We have had some issues with medications being taken during an event, so I try to really watch how many people I have come to these things. There were 6 families, all but three had husbands deployed. :( I feel bad for them, I really do, and I think its good they came out and participated with us because I know how important it is to stay active, and make and keep friends. I really wish I would have. That is one thing I truly regret is not working harder to make and keep friends while he was gone, I guess if I would have stayed here the whole time he was gone it would have been easier, also if the friends I did have didn't turn out to be THAT wife, you know the cheating kind. Anyways, I really feel Happy with everything in my life right now. I normally hate not working but setting up playgroups and things has been really great for me, and our family! I have more time now to manage our lives, make sure Nate is doing okay, and I think overall having more time together to work through things has been great. My best friend has been such a lifesaver lately too, someday's I have just been on the brink of meltdown, and she has been there to laugh with me, and make the day better! Thanks Anna! Its always great to have a friend that isn't HARD to be friends with, it sucks that it has to be that way, but its exhausting, and i'm weeding my life of those types of things. I already have enough in my life that tries to drain me on a daily basis, I don't think friendship should be that way. Anyways, im pretty tired so if im rambling, I apologize, I was going to post some pics from today, but its not letting me so I guess it will have to wait.
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Friday, March 26, 2010
Why cant there just be a Happy medium?
It always seems like no matter what I do, we get into a little grove, things are going good, and then BAM! Nates having an "off" week. I wish I knew what triggered it so I could prevent it, or how to help it when it does come along. All he wants to do is sleep, he doesn't remember anything, hes extremely irritable, hes like a zombie...and it sucks! Last week, I had an ER incident....dont worry im okay, just an embarrassing allergic reaction to a maxi pad...hahah I know only me! Anyways, it had been a couple days of laying on the couch with just a snuggie so nothing would touch, and I finally decided I am in too much pain I had to go to the DR. Of course getting an appointment around here is impossible, or so I thought. Turns out our Tricare had been dropped, so we were the very lowest priority, but that's a whole other story. So I take my son to school, and go to the ER, Nate says he is coming home to help me out which would have helped tremendously had he actually done it, but no he came home, and slept ALL day, and then I went and covered for him at the church where he usually volunteers. He is either one extreme or the other, he sleeps all day cant remember anything, doesn't notice whats going on around him, or he is high strung and anxious about everything. " Why can't there just be a happy medium?" I guess the solution to this is to be just as unpredictable as he is, maybe then we wont butt heads as bad!
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Tuesday, March 23, 2010
20 things you should ask yourself every Sunday!
I found these questions while browsing one night, and I thought that it would be a great way to keep my priorities in line, even during the rough times, so every week, I will ask myself these questions, and every week, I will post them here for you all to read! :)
1. What did I learn last week? If you are like me, you had trouble answering this, but I know what that means, I need to re-evaluate, you should be learning something new everyday! I know it sounds cliche, but really, when I learn something everyday, it adds a lot of meaning to my days! So this week, I plan to learn something.
2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week? I went through Kynlees toys, and clothes, cleaned the garage, hmmm....paid off some bills with the tax money. Not great, but accomplishments nonetheless.
3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why? On Sunday my best friend Anna and I took dinner to our friend Kayce who's husband just deployed! It made me feel really good because I have been in that situation, and anything to make it more pleasant is great! It was also great spending more time and getting to know her, she is a great girl, and I cant wait to spend more time with her!
4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week? – Everything else is secondary, and should be treated as such. Plan, and stick to my meal menu, we have GOT to stop eating out all the time!
5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful? – Set reminders in my calendar, makes some lists.
6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week? Toxic friendships, getting frustrated at our current situation. I have to end toxic friendships, they drain me every where else!
7. What was last week’s biggest time sink? I did pretty good last week staying off the "Underground," and I dont really consider FB a time sink since I deleted all the people I don't talk to on a regular basis, so for me its good because it helps with relationships. LOL, okay maybe it is a time suck, im in denial!
8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped? – Physical clutter, mental clutter…
I need to let the things go that I have no control over, and stop worrying about other peoples problems, I have my own life, I need to live it that way!
9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done? – Pencil in a time to get these things done. Homework for photography!
10. What opportunities are still on the table? I dont really have any....guess I need to refocus!
11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to? VA, SSA, AW2, all people I dont want to talk to, but need to!
12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’? Yes there are a few, im working on something for that!
13. How can I help someone else this coming week? Usually my helping people comes spur of the moment, so we will see what situations arise this week!
14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? finish my photography school, move,
15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals? last weeks actions no, lol, but this week I will.
16. What’s the next step for each goal? Do my HW, Work on the house, Save money.
17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week? Saturdays Easter Play group!
18. What are my fears? my family falling apart...something happening to Nate.
19. What am I most grateful for? my friends, our health,
20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with? – Another helpful reminder… Life is short. Spend more time with the people you care about. My family, Dawn, Anna, Kayce.
1. What did I learn last week? If you are like me, you had trouble answering this, but I know what that means, I need to re-evaluate, you should be learning something new everyday! I know it sounds cliche, but really, when I learn something everyday, it adds a lot of meaning to my days! So this week, I plan to learn something.
2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week? I went through Kynlees toys, and clothes, cleaned the garage, hmmm....paid off some bills with the tax money. Not great, but accomplishments nonetheless.
3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why? On Sunday my best friend Anna and I took dinner to our friend Kayce who's husband just deployed! It made me feel really good because I have been in that situation, and anything to make it more pleasant is great! It was also great spending more time and getting to know her, she is a great girl, and I cant wait to spend more time with her!
4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week? – Everything else is secondary, and should be treated as such. Plan, and stick to my meal menu, we have GOT to stop eating out all the time!
5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful? – Set reminders in my calendar, makes some lists.
6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week? Toxic friendships, getting frustrated at our current situation. I have to end toxic friendships, they drain me every where else!
7. What was last week’s biggest time sink? I did pretty good last week staying off the "Underground," and I dont really consider FB a time sink since I deleted all the people I don't talk to on a regular basis, so for me its good because it helps with relationships. LOL, okay maybe it is a time suck, im in denial!
8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped? – Physical clutter, mental clutter…
I need to let the things go that I have no control over, and stop worrying about other peoples problems, I have my own life, I need to live it that way!
9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done? – Pencil in a time to get these things done. Homework for photography!
10. What opportunities are still on the table? I dont really have any....guess I need to refocus!
11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to? VA, SSA, AW2, all people I dont want to talk to, but need to!
12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’? Yes there are a few, im working on something for that!
13. How can I help someone else this coming week? Usually my helping people comes spur of the moment, so we will see what situations arise this week!
14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years? finish my photography school, move,
15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals? last weeks actions no, lol, but this week I will.
16. What’s the next step for each goal? Do my HW, Work on the house, Save money.
17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week? Saturdays Easter Play group!
18. What are my fears? my family falling apart...something happening to Nate.
19. What am I most grateful for? my friends, our health,
20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with? – Another helpful reminder… Life is short. Spend more time with the people you care about. My family, Dawn, Anna, Kayce.
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Friday, March 12, 2010
A Moral Dillema!
Sometimes when its hard to sleep, or its just a lazy day, I find myself consumed in online chat rooms, Facebook, peoples blogs, this whole virtual world. Among them I have found that history repeats itself, and so do the posts. About once a month someone posts about "wearing their husbands rank,"and how wrong, and annoying it is. Granted my husband doesn't really have rank anymore,but it always gets me thinking. If its not okay to use rank, is it okay to use status? This is something I am in constant struggle about. As the spouse of a Wounded Warrior, people offer us things, we go looking for things like vacations at a discount, books,hunting trips for Nate, anything that will make this life easier for us. A lot of places have a lot to offer. Now I personally try not to take advantage of this system and EXPECT things of people, but my husband gave up a part of himself, and I feel like he deserves the best.Like I said its something I go up and down with, somedays I feel like we are "normal" and there is someone out there that deserves, or needs some of these things worse than we do, so I turn down opportunities.Other days, I will take everything I can get because I will never have "MY HUSBAND" back. Its frustrating really to sit and read these posts because I know if I ask them their opinion I am going to get slammed, on second thought, I think I will do it anyway, it might interesting to see what people have to say!
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Tuesday, March 09, 2010
Im the wrong girl
I have been doing a lot of pondering on the subject of deployment. Its happening all around me, everyone I meet/know seems to have a husband deploying this month, or is already deployed. I feel for them, I really do, I want to hug them, and tell them everything is going to be all right, that's when it occurs to me, that i'm not their girl. How can I sit here and tell them that everything is going to be okay, when we are the prime example that sometimes it isn't. I know that not everyone experiences injuries in Iraq, but we were that chance, and I know that if these women think like me they are going to compare their selves and ask what if? I don't want to not talk to them at all, but at the same time deployment always comes up, and husbands always come up, and if they know me already they know about Nate....it feels awful! I kind of want to throw up thinking about it.
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Sunday, March 07, 2010
Are we there yet?
Part two of my story is a story that has yet to end, one that we will continue to struggle with forever. The day my husband returned from deployment was by far the greatest day of my life, we laughed together, and cried together, and spent those "intimate" moments that had been missed. This honeymoon phase was short lived though, as I began to realize that the Army sent me somebody else's Soldier, this WAS NOT the man I married, nor was it a man I wanted to be married to. He acted impulsively, he was quick to anger, he even slammed on the brakes in the interstate once, we still have yet to figure out why, but this is KS, and the only thing for miles were cows. We tend to joke about it now, "oh look a cow bomb," but in all reality, its not funny at all. After many fights, and many more episodes, I gave him an ultimatum, he had to get help, or I was leaving, we had a child to think about, and this wasn't fair to him, or me. Soon after starting anger management, was when we first heard the dreaded words Traumatic Brain Injury, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No way, I kept telling myself. He wasn’t in any traumatic event, he would have told me right, wrong again Kristle, a lot went on that you didn’t know about, and a lot went on that you still don’t. Nates job in Iraq was to find the IED’s before they found him. On September 21, 2007, he rolled over three 130 mm artillery shells stacked together. They detonated and sheared everything off the vehicle. He was tossed from the front seat to the back of the vehicle. The blast tore up his brain tissue, and gave him what was described to me as the “Adult version of shaken baby syndrome.” Why he wasn’t just sent home at that point is beyond me, yeah he wasn’t missing limbs, or in a coma for 3 days, but he lost consciousness, and to me that throws up a red flag, but who was I besides a husband deprived Army wife who wanted her husband home?? Looking back I know now what the warning signs were, he did change after that. He is now medically retired from the army, but he suffers from memory loss, speech delays, blackouts, headaches, 80% loss of hearing, breathing difficulties, nightmares, and the list could continue down the page if I let it. Doctors say that with time this stuff could heal and he/ we could lead a normal life, but it the past two and half years have been in indication, I don’t see that happening. Some days I wake up and wonder, why me, why us, and others I am just thankful that he is here with us. I get so mad sometimes, I just want to scream, I think its not fair that I’m 23 and I’m going to have to take care of my husband for the rest of my life. Its not fair that now that he is out of the Army they couldn’t give two hoots about him, he didn’t even get a retirement ceremony, or a retirement award! It really makes me mad how these guys have been treated.The part that hurts the worst though, is that my children will never know the man their father once was, and as much as that bothers me, I know he will never forgive himself for that either. Its not an easy life, I can tell you that, but I am reminded everyday that he sacrificed his brain, his health, and the man that he once was for the freedom of this country, so my children and I can live Free, and for that I am eternally grateful!
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