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Saturday, February 27, 2010
How Awesome is this?? We have been so blessed to have been chosen for such an awesome Program! Operation Homefront and the U.S Olympic Hockey Team paired to create collectors cards of those team members and wounded warriors! Here is the Copy of Nate's Card, we sent a letter to the player thanking him for his participation in this program. It means a lot to my husband and many other Warriors to know that someone still cares! :)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Its not okay, im not okay!
Sometimes, I think I just need to talk. There are days I bring up my husband being injured in conversations about Tupperware. I think I do that because I want someone to ask, I want to tell someone. To cry, to laugh, just to get it all out. I want people to ask if I am okay so I can say…… NO, I am NOT okay. Would you be okay if your husband went away and the Army sent you another man in his place? Would you be happy that no matter what you do he will never be the same? Or that this man that was once so much the pride and joy of the Army that they kept him away for 75% of your marriage is now merely a number being swept under the rug by a government fearful of its own reputation? It’s not okay that he didn’t get a retirement ceremony, or even an award like other Soldiers who retire. This wasn’t his choice, or mine. It is not okay that he is still having nightmares and bouts of rage after being on 17 meds a day. Its not okay that I have nowhere to turn, no one to tell. It’s not okay that at 25 years old every ounce of intimacy has been sucked from my marriage. Can I say there wasn’t sex? No, but it was merely to TAKE back what he believed was HIS.
It’s not okay that my kids will never know the father I chose for them. What did I do to deserve this? Some days I cant take it, and to throw the rest of the world at me too makes it unbearable. I secretly hope for something else to happen, some other drama so I can forget about it all, even just for a moment. I crave any bit of “normal” I can get. I know I am not the one who got hurt, I’m sure its much worse for him, but I am hurt nonetheless. I stay awake at night to make sure he is still breathing, or that he hasn’t tried to hurt himself. If I fall asleep and he hurts himself, it will be MY fault. What if he can’t hold out to see my kids grow up, graduate or get married? How can I encourage him to fight the fight? It’s not okay that my 5 year-old makes excuses for his dad’s erratic and unpredictable behavior. Its not okay that I never know when he is going to flip, at any second he could slam on the brakes in the interstate, break a window, punch a wall, or better yet, my face. How can I love him? How can I devote my life to this man? I can’t, and THAT is NOT okay. Everywhere I go I am afraid, afraid everyone is going to try to hurt me, to try to take away my life like he did. If I can’t trust the man I love, whom can I trust? I wish I knew.
Was it all worth the price so many of us have paid? As selfish as it sounds, sometimes I think it might have been easier if he didn’t come home at all.
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Thursday, February 18, 2010
This is probably illegal but....
Have you ever been in public with a small child, and no matter what you do, or where you go, or how many times they went before leaving the house, somehow, someway they have to go AGAIN at the most inopportune moments? Yep, you guessed it, happened to me today! It was gorgeous out for once, and we decided we needed to take advantage of that and enjoy some outside time before it gets nasty out again....of course like 10 minutes after we get there I hear.....mom, mom, mommy, I need to go potty. My 4 year old son, is tugging at my leg, like he had been holding it all day. Well this wouldnt have been a huge deal, except the bathrooms were locked, and if that wasnt bad enough he had to go number 2, yep......so I had two options, take him home, and risk him not making it....or....take him into the woods and risk being eaten by bears....ok its not that serious, but really trying to teach a little boy to squat....not exactly ideal. So here we are we find a secluded little cubby hole in the woods for him to go...."like the cubbys at school mom." lol umm yeah sort of, "im pooping in my cubby mom?" Just go to the bathroom nate. So here I stand holding him up with my arm while he squats there......all of a sudden I hear a stream of flowing water...hmmm this isnt realy woods, there cant be a waterfall....thats when I remembered boys pee doesnt exactly aim it self...he peed all over the back of his pants. At least that helped him to push the other out!! Just imagine standing there with a four year old holding your arm while hes pooping and hes looking between his legs as he does it...."eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww gross mom, thats yucky!! Ewww mom" okay Nate just go to the bathroom. "wow mom, im stinky." Umm yeah please hurry up. "Mom, do you like these leaves." Okay Nate enough go to the bathroom, do you know this is probably illegal, and we are going to go to jail?? "Jail???okay mom, im done." So I cleaned him up and headed out of the woods. Don't tell anyone ok buddy, thats really yucky! "Yeah mom, I wont and they can just think its dog poop." Amazing how kids can make the poopiest situations funny!!
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Sunday, February 07, 2010
Every End is a new Beginning!
September 20, 2006, the night before D-Day( Deployment Day.) I will never forget that night, here was my perfect life, my husband of whom I had married just 1 year earlier, and our son who was 9 months old, and it was about to come crashing down around me. We spent that whole day together, just doing our favorite things, and soon the night was upon us. I don't know how he was able to sleep that night cause I couldn't. The last time I remember looking at the clock was 3:00, I must have fallen asleep. I woke suddenly a mere hour and a half later, only to roll over and find he was gone. I freaked, jumped out of bed, and began to rush down the stairs, but something stopped me dead in my tracks. It was my husband in the baby's room.I peaked around the corner quietly to ensure he didn't hear me, and what I overheard broke my heart. "It's okay little guy, Daddy will be home soon, I'm not going to let anything happen to me, I'm coming home to you and your Mommy, I'm coming home."(Good thing i'm not telling this story publicly, because I'm already bawling like a big fat baby!)
To this day he doesn't know I saw that, I guess I didn't really know how to bring it up without losing it, so I went quietly back to bed, and cried.That day seems like a complete blur to me, I have pictures to show what went on but I don't really remember, the only thing I remember was watching them march off, and sobbing as I walked to my car. I still remember exactly what was on the radio that day when I got in my car, and every time I hear it, that exact same knot in my stomach returns, and I instantly start the waterworks.
"Good Day"
I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself,
as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall
It's gonna be all
right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be
I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart
breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you
protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, Just Way
Hotter.
The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call
It's gonna be all right, no matter what
they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's
gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be
As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this
crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
God, but still we laugh
Get back in bed, turn off the TV
You say "It'll be
alright baby, just wait and see."
It's gonna be all right, it's
gonna be okay
It's gonna be all right, just wait and see
Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say
Its gonna be a good
day, just wait, just see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with
me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...
Uh
oh, I'm awake again
It's one A.M.
Staring
Such a sight
Well, at least the stars are bright
It fit perfectly, and to this day it still fits, it gives the worst day a bit of optimism! The next three months flew by, and Nate took an early R&R for our little mans first Birthday, he got there later than we expected so he missed Christmas with us, but we got to ring in the new year together! Things were great, he was the same old Nate that left 3 months before. Our time together was amazing, but I was beginning to dread him going back, and it became apparent that he was dreading it too.
On January 12, we were going to get family pictures, something he had promised we would do before he even left in the first place. He let me sleep in, which was a really sweet gesture, but I was brutally woken up but him stomping through the house, kicking stuff around, and slamming his dresser drawers. Not exactly a "breakfast in bed" kind of wake up.When I asked him what the heck his problem was it just made him even more mad, so when he told me " I have NO clean underwear," it flew out of his mouth as if I had just done something so awful that he couldn't stand to look at me. "Underwear?" I asked. I was still very confused as to why he was flipping out over underwear. I don't think he knew either so he snapped something back at me, and the only thing I could do was cry. We did end up getting pictures that day, but we both had bags under our eyes, and red faces as we spent the rest of that day crying together.
January 13, two days before he was headed back, I decided it would be a good idea to get up and make him breakfast, but an unexpected phone call stopped me before I had the chance. It was a fellow wife from the Unit, someone I had a falling out with a few months before.I couldn't figure out why she was calling me, but something in the pit of my stomach told me to answer. The voice on the other end temporarily stopped my heart. The only thing I managed to get from the conversation between sobs was "Its Dennis, he has no legs!"I still want to throw up remembering that conversation.I threw on a pair of heels with my Sponge Bob pajama pants, and rushed out the door to go to her house(which I soon found out was not smart because there was like a foot and half of fresh powder on the ground.)I didn't even say anything to my husband, she needed me, and regardless of our differences, no one should have to be alone during a time like that. That was a rough day, but that's another novel in itself. After returning home that night, I made us dinner, and we realized, that anything could happen, so we vowed to make the best of the time we had together. While we were eating my phone rang again, it was the FRG Leader.....seriously, why, cant we do anything without someone calling to bug us, I was so mad, but I answered anyways expecting something of entirely different nature. "Kristle, I need to talk to Nate, " She said. I handed the phone to him as he put a bite of steak in his mouth, and being a man, he didn't swallow before saying "heewwoo," LOL Wow, I could not believe how rude he was being, I was ten seconds from smacking him upside the head when I realized that something else was wrong.....he dropped the food out of his mouth onto his plate, and the only words that came from his mouth after a long silent pause were, "Ok, thank you" After hanging up, he turned and said to me, "Its Sgt Wright, he didn't make it." And that was it, those were the last words he said to me until the morning he flew out.
On Jan. 15th he returned to Iraq. At that point it was going to be a year before I saw him again....and a long year it was, but we did the best we could to keep connected, through emails,phone conversations, and letters. The closer it got to him coming home, the less and less we got along, but we made it and before I knew it he was on a plane to come home!
Dec 4, 2007, by far the greatest day of my life! From the moment I walked into the building two hours before he was supposed to get there, until he held me in his arms I had the worst case of butterflys I ever had in my life, I was so excited, and nervous, at one point I even went to the bathroom and threw up! Wow, I could finally take the sigh of relief I waited 15 months to take, it was over, he was home, we didn't have a care in the world.Unfortunately for us this was just the beginning.
To this day he doesn't know I saw that, I guess I didn't really know how to bring it up without losing it, so I went quietly back to bed, and cried.That day seems like a complete blur to me, I have pictures to show what went on but I don't really remember, the only thing I remember was watching them march off, and sobbing as I walked to my car. I still remember exactly what was on the radio that day when I got in my car, and every time I hear it, that exact same knot in my stomach returns, and I instantly start the waterworks.
"Good Day"
I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself,
as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall
It's gonna be all
right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be
I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart
breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you
protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, Just Way
Hotter.
The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call
It's gonna be all right, no matter what
they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's
gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be
As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this
crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
God, but still we laugh
Get back in bed, turn off the TV
You say "It'll be
alright baby, just wait and see."
It's gonna be all right, it's
gonna be okay
It's gonna be all right, just wait and see
Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say
Its gonna be a good
day, just wait, just see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with
me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...
Uh
oh, I'm awake again
It's one A.M.
Staring
Such a sight
Well, at least the stars are bright
It fit perfectly, and to this day it still fits, it gives the worst day a bit of optimism! The next three months flew by, and Nate took an early R&R for our little mans first Birthday, he got there later than we expected so he missed Christmas with us, but we got to ring in the new year together! Things were great, he was the same old Nate that left 3 months before. Our time together was amazing, but I was beginning to dread him going back, and it became apparent that he was dreading it too.
On January 12, we were going to get family pictures, something he had promised we would do before he even left in the first place. He let me sleep in, which was a really sweet gesture, but I was brutally woken up but him stomping through the house, kicking stuff around, and slamming his dresser drawers. Not exactly a "breakfast in bed" kind of wake up.When I asked him what the heck his problem was it just made him even more mad, so when he told me " I have NO clean underwear," it flew out of his mouth as if I had just done something so awful that he couldn't stand to look at me. "Underwear?" I asked. I was still very confused as to why he was flipping out over underwear. I don't think he knew either so he snapped something back at me, and the only thing I could do was cry. We did end up getting pictures that day, but we both had bags under our eyes, and red faces as we spent the rest of that day crying together.
January 13, two days before he was headed back, I decided it would be a good idea to get up and make him breakfast, but an unexpected phone call stopped me before I had the chance. It was a fellow wife from the Unit, someone I had a falling out with a few months before.I couldn't figure out why she was calling me, but something in the pit of my stomach told me to answer. The voice on the other end temporarily stopped my heart. The only thing I managed to get from the conversation between sobs was "Its Dennis, he has no legs!"I still want to throw up remembering that conversation.I threw on a pair of heels with my Sponge Bob pajama pants, and rushed out the door to go to her house(which I soon found out was not smart because there was like a foot and half of fresh powder on the ground.)I didn't even say anything to my husband, she needed me, and regardless of our differences, no one should have to be alone during a time like that. That was a rough day, but that's another novel in itself. After returning home that night, I made us dinner, and we realized, that anything could happen, so we vowed to make the best of the time we had together. While we were eating my phone rang again, it was the FRG Leader.....seriously, why, cant we do anything without someone calling to bug us, I was so mad, but I answered anyways expecting something of entirely different nature. "Kristle, I need to talk to Nate, " She said. I handed the phone to him as he put a bite of steak in his mouth, and being a man, he didn't swallow before saying "heewwoo," LOL Wow, I could not believe how rude he was being, I was ten seconds from smacking him upside the head when I realized that something else was wrong.....he dropped the food out of his mouth onto his plate, and the only words that came from his mouth after a long silent pause were, "Ok, thank you" After hanging up, he turned and said to me, "Its Sgt Wright, he didn't make it." And that was it, those were the last words he said to me until the morning he flew out.
On Jan. 15th he returned to Iraq. At that point it was going to be a year before I saw him again....and a long year it was, but we did the best we could to keep connected, through emails,phone conversations, and letters. The closer it got to him coming home, the less and less we got along, but we made it and before I knew it he was on a plane to come home!
Dec 4, 2007, by far the greatest day of my life! From the moment I walked into the building two hours before he was supposed to get there, until he held me in his arms I had the worst case of butterflys I ever had in my life, I was so excited, and nervous, at one point I even went to the bathroom and threw up! Wow, I could finally take the sigh of relief I waited 15 months to take, it was over, he was home, we didn't have a care in the world.Unfortunately for us this was just the beginning.
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