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On a brighter note, I have been chosen to go to Tampa this weekend for an Equine Therapy retreat with Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives, this couldn't have come at a better time, I need it.
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Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Barely Treading Water
I am having a hard time this week, a really hard time. I feel like i'm barely treading water trying to keep things together. I lost it on my husband Sunday, I just couldn't take it anymore, I want my husband back, not this man I don't know.Yes he is supportive, yes he helps with the kids, criticize all you want for me complaining, but unless you are in my shoes, who are you to judge? Im so tired of people who act like they know, all I can think is I am glad you don't know, and I hope you never have to. My husband lacks motivation, he lacks passion, even my 4 year old knows he cant tell him things because he doesnt remember, I can't fix that. I don't know who he is. I wish for one day he would gain some confidence, he cant even walk into a room he has been in a thousand times and not look awkward and uncomfortable, he stays near the exit and makes sure he has eyes on everyone in the room. He gets nervous in church and has to leave the room, church?? Come on, thats supposed to be a safe place! He's anti-social, un-trusting, I want more than anything for him to have a friend, I feel guilty leaving the house, because he doesn't. I just need finally come up and gasp for air, and I cant get there, I need that sense of relief. Where is it going to come from, and at what cost? Will he ever work again? Will I be the sole supporter of our family, if thats the case, I better take another look at my dreams because that just isn't going to cut it. I could get a job now, but it would be pointless, he has so many appointments, and i'm scared to leave them alone for too long, so id have to throw daycare in the mix. When he was in the Army they helped with that, and now....we are swept under the rug, I would have to put myself in debt over child care! What if he blacks out, or has a seizure, my 4 year old knows how to call 911, but still, I cant bring my self to do it. We have two growing children who are going to need things, want things, will I be able to provide it? Yes, we get paid from the VA, but really, those of you who are there know, it isn't much. I think I am at a breaking point, and I really don't have anywhere to turn. I want more than anything to move close to family again, but i'm afraid we will never have the money to do it. We are stuck, and its wearing on me. We put in for the Warrior Family Support homes program, but i'm not really sure what is going on with it, we haven't heard anything. That would be incredible, the weight it would take off our shoulders would be tremendous, I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding the idea of me even applying, but in my opinion 100% disabled is 100% disabled wether you can see it or not. I guess its my fault people think that way because even when we are hurting for money we are the type of people that would give away our last 50 dollars if someone was hungry. I feel so alone, I cant seem to figure out where I fit in this crazy world, we aren't military, not exactly civilian, I have friends, but I still feel alone. Drama always seems to find its way here, and I think its because the demographics, we live outside an Army Post, everything is always changing, people coming and going. I just want to cry!
On a brighter note, I have been chosen to go to Tampa this weekend for an Equine Therapy retreat with Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives, this couldn't have come at a better time, I need it.
On a brighter note, I have been chosen to go to Tampa this weekend for an Equine Therapy retreat with Operation Homefront's Wounded Warrior Wives, this couldn't have come at a better time, I need it.
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6 comments:
Stay strong missy. I know how hard it is. I do. Just take care of yourself. I'm so happy you are going to Tampa, too. Definitely sounds like you need it. I'm excited to meet you.
You do an amazing job. You give and give and give. I do believe totally that you deserve to get a house. I cant imagine the frustration that you go through. You are one heck of a strong person. Know that you are a great mommy, a great friend, and a great person to have in our community. I dont know how to help with your husband. But I know that its always said that God doesn't give you more then you can handle. I think sometimes we feel like dang it god quit trusting me too much...lol. But you can do this. You are such a great person with so much goodness. Prayers are with your family to make it through this tough time. Hugs
I have felt the exact same way that you have time and time again. It is very hard to find your place and people that understand. I hope this weekend will give you some tools to cope with this crazy transition that you are in and also leave you with lots of support.
My son, a Navy guy, suffered TBI resulting from a motorcycle accident. He was due to roll out into civilian life two months before this happened. I was at his bedside 24/7 and his recovery can only be described as miraculous considering the extent of his injuries.
After reading your account, I'm going to keep praying for your husband every single day until I read that all is well with him. You are probably sick of people saying such trite things .... but I saw with my own eyes how God can do anything.
Navy Mom
I know you don't know me, but I have a husband with severe combat PTSD as well. We live in Kansas so your blog caught my eye! We live in Ottawa though, but maybe we could meet in Topeka some day! We probably have a lot in common with our lives even though it's not the life we chose. Anyway, hang in there and know that you are not alone!
Wow, I love these… thanks for sharing
All the best, A
here's my site too
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